As far back as I can remember, I have been fascinated with the concept of predestination. The thought that every living being had their fate mapped out for them prior to incarnation seemed exquisite and even somewhat logical when coupled with the notion that we all come here in order to experience life in human form and learn lessons along the way. Although I could never quite put a finger on why, I always felt as though almost everything I was experiencing or was yet to experience had in some way been pre planned. Because I was primarily an introvert as a child, I took time to reflect on what I considered to be significant things and applied meaning to them. Later in my life, as I explored concepts popular in Buddhist philosophy, I began to recognize how these ideas fit into the context of the middle way, which to me, seemed the most sensical prerequisite for living a most fulfilling existence. Even so, as certain as I felt about this belief, I was eager to learn and try on more ideas that either confirmed or invalidated my own.

Four years ago, I began to dwell on life, death and predestination more intensely due to the fact that I was experiencing so much loss. In a span of two years, I had said goodbye to three family members, one per year between 2013 and 2015. In order to help make sense of those losses, I turned to the book “Journey of Souls”, by Dr. Michael Newton. In these case studies, subjects were put under hypnosis for the purpose of recalling pre-birth memories and memories of life between lives. It answered various questions such as what death feels like, the sensations that people experience after they pass in the form of energy and how each soul selects another vessel, also known as a body, to return to the physical realm we call Earth. The idea that events in our lives unfold for a specific reason seemed to resonate more and more with me. Not long after reading this book, I began to ask myself an even more complex question: what if the universe was just a database containing information regarding anyone who ever lived? Better yet, what if we could access this storehouse and know all there is to know about everything we’ve ever wanted to learn about? This intense curiosity was the catalyst for diving in to the Akashic Records.

In a nutshell, the Akashic Records contains a plethora of knowledge regarding the history of every living thing or idea known to humankind. This information is stored in the metaphysical plane where the past, present and future co-occur. There has been reference to Akashic Records since the beginning of time immemorial and they have been consulted and accessed mainly by Priests. When I first heard about this storehouse and how specific overriding existential questions could be answered, I looked into consulting a person who possessed the ability to open them. I wanted to know an endless array of things, but some of the most central questions I wanted answered included why I experienced certain life challenges when I did and what my soul want to learn from them in this lifetime. Because I had studied astrology for several years, I knew about the North Node, a karmic point in a natal chart, and that mine was in the seventh house of relationships. This meant that my South Node was in the first house of ego and self-identity. Together, the placement of my South and North Node in their respective houses suggested that, in this life, an important mission of mine involved learning how to balance and integrate my sense of self with the need for union with others in various ways and through copious means. In addition, I have many planets conglomerated in the first and seventh houses, forming what is known as an opposition to each other. A prominent theme in my life thus far has been intense spiritual transformation of self through intimate relationships. I yearned for light to be shed on these questions and experiences. So, I went ahead and booked my reading.

On the morning of December 27, 2020, I waited for the reading. I sat in front of the computer screen in anticipation. After a brief explanation of the origins of the Akashic Records and a short prayer, the reader took an extended breath and began. “Your records are now open”, she said. “Do you have any questions?” I thought about it for a few seconds and then proceeded. “Why did I choose my family?”, I asked. After a few moments of pensive silence, she responded. “I’m hearing that you were never supposed to belong to your family”, she told me. “Feeling too comfortable in that primary identity might have meant that you would have had a more difficult time recognizing that you’re different from others in your environment and you may never have felt triggered enough to seek an identity of your own and to express that uniqueness. Your parents have chosen to be kindred souls along with your experience”.

Suddenly, a light bulb turned on in my head. It hit me on a cellular level. I wasn’t meant to feel as though I belonged anywhere or with anyone. No matter what I was doing or who I was with, I always felt like I was simply passing through yet another experience in order to form a new chapter. I never felt as though I had found a home. In fact, months before this reading, I had been receiving downloads which offered me a glimpse into the idea that I was meant to forge an alternate path and perhaps heal any ancestral wounds I inherited. Furthermore, I had also noticed that I struggle to reconcile parts of my psyche, interests and personality but that despite this being a source of what sometimes felt like endless frustration for me, I also felt this to be a major opportunity to foster growth and wisdom.

“May we talk a little bit about past lives?”. “Yes”, I responded. “You have had around two to three-hundred lifetimes as a gender non-conforming person”, she stated. When the reader told me this, I felt shocked. There is nothing gender non-specific about me now, and if I were to make an assumption regarding which gender description I fit in a possible past lifetime, I would guess that I were female then, as well. She went on to tell me about a lifetime as a young man in Africa whose family sold him into slavery due to having a feminine self-expression. As she was telling me the story, I envisioned myself in that lifetime shackled in chains and hunched over, as if carrying the weight of the world, in a dark alley.

The reader told me about another lifetime as an Inuit woman who exhibited what were considered both masculine and feminine personality characteristics. In fact, because I was androgynous, I was expected to perform the roles of both men and women in the tribe. The meaning of my name, although it was not mentioned, was associated with the element of wind.

Regardless of the fact that I was surprised by all of this information, I couldn’t help but feel my soul resonate with the theme of the previous lives described in the reading, irrespective of gender expression or identity. Throughout the course of my current life, these seemingly incompatible parts of myself have been a catalyst for integration. Because of these divided parts, I feel more need for balance and variety. Too much monotony outside of mandatory responsibilities ages my spirit and makes me feel hollow inside. That feeling serves to remind me that my soul is longing for new order, something to help expand more consciousness in order to hold space for cognitive and spiritual evolution. Now, instead of wondering whether I am somehow in the wrong for not being able to take sides, I seek to lean in to my so-called indecision and see it for what it truly is: an appreciation for and consideration of multiple points of view. I am teachable due to this flexibility and because of this, I can experience more freedom from my ego. I choose each day to think of this as a gift.

Not only did I gain more perspective regarding my soul’s lessons and journey until now, I also realized that my former questions had also been answered. Because the seventh house is opposite the first on the natal chart wheel, whichever qualities we disown become a part of our shadow self and are thus projected onto significant others since the subconscious mind seeks wholeness in union with another. Once I learn to integrate those disowned parts, I will be better able to navigate other parts of my life.

When we attach ourselves to one belief or role, we effectively limit ourselves, albeit inadvertently so. Our narrow mindset becomes a form of entrapment and we are no longer free. We are so much more than what we do in the world, or even how we feel or believe about ourselves. When we meet different aspects of who we are and synthesize them, we can more easily recognize and accept the unity in all things. We may even feel less alone. So, embrace all, and know that every part of yourself is important to your survival and growth. All you must do is remain open and aware.

My Akashic Record reading turned out to be the best gift I could have given myself. Now, going into this new year, I can greet all the parts of my own psyche with peace and acceptance, knowing I am on a path of integration.