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April 5, 2021

I May Never Know why I was Abandoned by You.

Fear of Abandonment is not Something to Shame.

I wish I didn’t miss you, but I do.

I miss you all the time.

I can’t help but think about you.

I wish I could erase you from my memory so I stop crying myself to sleep, but I can’t.

You meant the world to me and left in a confusing way.

I don’t understand what happened, and I likely never will.

I will, though, always love you like a mother.

It’s all I really ever wanted.

You acted motherly toward me, even up until the last time I saw you—you held my hand and said we had a special heart connection.

Maybe this is why you left.

Maybe therapists aren’t supposed to have these feelings toward a client.

I will never know, but that special heart connection meant the world to me.

I wish I could say it’s easy to smile, but the way you ended things with me stung.

It still stings.

I never thought I’d be heartbroken from therapy, but I am.

It’s been years now since I’ve seen you, and I still hurt.

I still cry myself to sleep.

I still wonder what I could have done differently—what I did wrong.

All I ever wanted was to be loved.

You showed me this and then left suddenly.

I don’t know why my attachment to you was pathologized.

I don’t know why when you said I had CPTSD, I was treated like someone with trauma—loved, adored, encouraged—and when you said I had BPD, I had this all stripped from me.

I don’t understand why I was given this label or why our work must be done for me to learn something.

I didn’t need to be abandoned to learn that I struggle with abandonment.

As the child of a drug addict and alcoholic, I don’t agree with you that my fear of abandonment is in my mind.

Rather, it’s in my body. I feel it from my head to my toes when someone I love like a mother leaves.

What is wrong with loving this hard though?

Why are BPD and CPTSD treated so vastly differently?

What is best when someone has both?

I may never know why I was abandoned by you, my therapist.

I may never know why this is such a normal experience of those given the label of BPD.

All I know is that this hurts deeply.

All I know is that I loved you, and I still do.

~

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