He’s treating you the way you’re not used to.
You meet this great person who’s smitten with you, but you just can’t feel that spark. Meanwhile, the guy who hardly cares about you makes your knees feel weak.
Here are three reasons you’re not attracted to nice guys and how to change that if you want to be:
1. Negative self-talk
Negative self-talk is one of the reasons you are not interested in nice guys and sometimes even repulsed by them.
I remember years ago, going out with this great guy, and he dropped me home and then straight away messaged me saying all these amazing things about me and asking when he can see me again.
At that time, my self-esteem was far from its healthy highs topped with some nagging inner self-talk. When I heard this great man say these amazing things about me, I started thinking,
Wow, how can he see me so special? Sooner or later, he’ll find out I’m far from everything that he sees in me. I’m just not that great. Far from it.
If you’re someone who’s putting yourself down, saying not-so-nice things to yourself, and reminding yourself regularly that you’re not good enough, someone’s compliments and admiration may feel foreign and suspicious.
That’s the reason why a man who’s slightly detached, unavailable, who treats you like an option, and sometimes makes you feel that you’re not good enough feels like a better match. It is better suited to your inner dialogue.
2. Early love experiences
Your childhood shapes how you see and experience love. Often, when we are growing up, we don’t get the love, attention, support that we would like to ideally from our parents and caregivers.
Later on, when we start dating, meet someone, and this person is treating us in a way that demonstrates some kind of neglect—emotional or, in extreme cases, even physical—abuse, we subconsciously get drawn toward that. We associate this behavior with love because it reminds us of the love we experienced when growing up.
Now, if we meet someone who is clearly showing us how much he cares about us, he listens to what we have to say, he showers us with compliments, he treats us like we matter and that we’re someone special—that doesn’t feel right. We’re not used to it.
It may feel that he’s being too much, too needy, or not giving you enough space. If we haven’t addressed the emotional neglect we may have experienced when growing up, we’re probably chasing men who ghost us—emotionally unavailable men who play games and treat us like we don’t matter at all, instead of being attracted to someone who wants to be with us.
3. Overgiving in love
You are used to overgiving and overdelivering in your relationships, and this is the reason why you’re not attracted to good guys.
We may be overgiving in a relationship by prioritizing their needs, their energy, and their feelings instead of ours. We may be overgiving by always being the one to cover the bill at the restaurant and letting someone live for free at our place, or by not saying anything when he only pops over for a nice meal and sex when, deep down, we’d like more.
If you are someone who is used to chasing guys that are not showing you enough attention, the guys who are not sure what they want, you may sometimes even think that if you do a bit more, if you give more, he’ll change his mind—a major toxic relationship alert.
If you measure your role in a relationship solely based on how much you can give to that person while receiving breadcrumbs, you can only be attracted to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Can you change who you’re attracted to?
Next time you meet someone who makes your knees feel weak every time you see him, the connection feels out of this world, have a quick check-in with yourself.
>> Are you attracted to this person because you feel good and safe around them?
>> Are you attracted to this person because you can express yourself and be who you’re?
>> Are you attracted to this person because you feel valued and you’re treated with respect?
Or maybe you’re simply attracted to this person because your negative self-talk, your childhood trauma, and your tendency to overgive so perfectly fit this relationship.
You can choose who you fall in love with. Choose wisely.