I have three protocols when it comes to dating.
Does reading that sentence fill you with anxiety? It used to make me uneasy too, and now I love it!
It has set me free.
Whenever I tell someone about the dating protocol I learned from my Love Mentor, they say it sounds like a terrible idea. I used to agree, but not anymore. I have made three great discoveries and I’m still learning more every day. You can learn more about the protocol in the book, Love in 90 Days by Diana Kirschner.
Here are three important things I’ve learned so far:
1. How to get clear
This first protocol has helped me break some deadly dating patterns that I used to have and get really clear about what I’m looking for in a relationship.
In the beginning of this new practice, I would keep talking with many guys because I felt I always needed to juggle three dates. I started to notice a pattern with how most guys would talk to me. The usual greeting was, “How’s your Tuesday?” Before too long, I started to see this pattern from guys who weren’t sincerely interested in me. They didn’t really have an intent for finding their partner. They were just fishing to see what’s available and who would bite.
In the past, I would’ve started talking to a few of those guys, then feel overwhelmed and focus on only one of them. That would quickly flame out because they truly weren’t interested. It’s amazing how many people date out of boredom! Nobody wants to feel like a bag of chips to fill a temporary void.
They would fall away quickly as they were just looking for instant gratification and not a relationship. Now, I know better than to give these guys so much of my time.
My protocol also includes not being exclusive with any one person for 90 days, so I don’t give these guys so much of my time. I have learned to give my time and attention to the person who is truly interested in me. They show up asking curious questions about me. And, not just about what I do.
The protocol allowed for other guys to show up and give me a comparative measuring stick. It allowed me to get more experience on what’s available and get clear about the fact that I want a partner who is naturally curious and committed. And, I’ll know when he arrives because he’ll ask curious questions about me, questions other than, “How’s your Tuesday?”
Coincidently, once I got clear about what I wanted, more of the curious guys started naturally showing up, and their curious questions are so very interesting.
The dating prospects leveled up.
2. How not to settle (Wait 90 days to go exclusive)
Most of us naturally start things right away with someone when we feel a spark. And, it’s important to notice your reason why. Recently, one of my friends said that I should follow a spark even if it’s only been 30 days because I could end up losing the guy. My friend mentioned that I could be losing something great.
If someone is truly interested in you, they will wait patiently. If not, they are only interested in what they can get.
I think that reason sounds like scarcity and FOMO (fear of missing out), and that only results in you settling. When you keep a dating protocol of three, you’ll learn that you don’t have to settle. If you’ve followed any of my money mindset teachings, then you already know that I recommend not making any choices from a place of fear or scarcity.
If you believed you could choose anyone for a partner, would you choose this person and why? Notice if it comes from scarcity.
If my reason is the fear of missing out on something great, then I would choose to keep waiting for 90 days. I wouldn’t want to feel like I settled on a guy due to feelings of scarcity.
Building on more reasons to wait 90 days, I also have a habit of getting involved with guys with addiction issues. They are impulsive and seek instant gratification. Waiting 90 days will naturally weed these prospects out because their need for immediate gratification will not allow them to wait 90 days for the benefits of an exclusive relationship.
Ninety days allows space for the guy to show up and show me how he would invest his time, energy, emotions, and money. Ultimately, how he would show up, share his space, and build a life with me. Isn’t that what dating is really about? Don’t we really want to know how a potential partner will show up and do life with us?
Additionally, I learned that some guys come on in an opposite way, hurling their life resources at you hard and fast! That makes me so uneasy. On the surface it looks like a great opportunity—a great guy showing up with lots of love and affection! He says and does all the right things. He’s more than curious, and he’s over committed before really knowing why he likes me.
In the past, I would say yes to these guys because, come on?! I have been chastised for thinking “I’m too good.” I have been chastised by some friends who think, “you’re not going to get better than that, so stop being difficult and unreasonable.”
Wow. I believed them. That’s on me. I would date those guys out of obligation because I believed I’m unlovable and my friends were right. And that I should probably accept this rare and special person who somehow finds me loveable. What is wrong with me that I cannot see that he’s a great guy? I would conclude that I was being difficult and unreasonable, and therefore, I would make myself stay and love them anyway. All the while, I was neglecting my own wants and needs.
Just because he’s a great guy it doesn’t mean that I have to date him. Because of the 90-day rule, I exclude the possibility of going exclusive with him and giving in to my old pattern of giving up who I am to be with someone else. I’m no longer able to stay with someone out of obligation.
The 90-day rule has become the most loving thing I have done for myself. In that space, I was able to let the discomfort of dysfunctional patterns arise, and I realized that the guys who come on too strong and too fast are into the idea of me, and not actually into me. Some of them are love bombers and that won’t last 90 days—a great way to stay safe from the bomb!
I always gave in because I felt that putting my needs and wants first made me difficult and unreasonable. So, what if I am? I’m learning that it doesn’t mean I’m unlovable.
I’m looking for the guy who is truly interested in me. He’s not going to discount me or my feelings as difficult and unreasonable. I love the 90-day rule.
The dating prospects leveled up.
3. How to make space for what’s possible (find your want match)
I’ve learned a lot from my Love Mentor. I also started to layer in elements from coaching my own clients on their money mindset. I teach them to channel their money and build a relationship with it. So, I thought, why not start fostering a relationship with my future partner?
So, I started to imagine having conversations with him.
I still do this.
I talk to him on the regular. I’ve asked him, why doesn’t he come on hard and fast?
His answer: because he wants me to trust him. He doesn’t want there to be any wiggle room for me to think he’s interested in anything but me and my companionship. We don’t rush friendships, so why would we need to rush a relationship?
On that note, I also asked him why he doesn’t tell me I’m “so hot.” Admittedly, I’m super annoyed by guys who keep saying I’m “so hot.” For some reason, I just assumed that’s how guys are and it’s just something I’m supposed to learn to navigate. But, when I channeled my dream guy, he doesn’t speak to me that way. I asked him why.
His response, “Duh. I would not date you if I didn’t find you attractive. That’s not something I need to tell you all the time. Besides, you’re attractive to me because of all the things I like about you and I want you to know that and feel that.”
Coincidently, the next person I dated never said that I’m hot. Instead he said:
I like your style.
I like the way you think.
I like your sense of adventure.
I like how you feel connected to the trees.
I like you.
I feel seen. I feel respected. I feel valued.
My prospects leveled up.
Ultimately, the protocol has shown me that I matter, what I want is important, and it’s important to make space to honor and value my intuition. I’m learning to value myself more.
My prospects level up because I level up.
If you’ve been struggling with finding the right guy to come into your space, I sincerely urge you to try the dating protocol for yourself. Your future partner is already thanking you—and so is your future self!