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Dating and relationships are fun—or at least they are supposed to be.
It’s an opportunity to meet new people and learn about each other through conversations, time spent together, intimacy, and connection.
We often date and begin relationships in order to find our forever person.
But what happens when one or the other decides this isn’t their person? Someone gets dumped. We hear all about the broken-hearted who have been dumped, but what about the person who actually did the dumping?
The person who did the dumping is a heartless bastard who crushed our fragile hearts. The dumper is a terrible person who betrayed us, used us, and took advantage of us. We sometimes hardly come out of it in one piece after being dumped.
But the fact is, being the dumper flipping sucks just as bad as being dumped.
We find no joy in being the one who ended the relationship. Even if it was just one date, the guilt is consuming. We learn early on to be kind and loving to everyone. To actively go in knowing we are about to purposely hurt someone goes against everything we have ever been taught. It feels wrong in every way.
Self-doubt takes over every inch of us. We have a choice to stay, yet we choose to end it. Because it was our decision, it leaves the possibility of it being the wrong decision.
We will question our decision to leave up until we actually end it. We will also question whether it was the wrong decision well after the fact. We rarely walk away and do not question our decisions. It basically haunts us for a long time after.
When we are dumped, we have no choice in the matter, and we need to eventually accept that it is over. But the fact that we had a choice in the matter makes it much harder to wrap our head around the fact that we were the cause of what we just did, and whatever happens after this point was because of our decisions. Moving forward takes time.
Confusion swirls in our heads. This happens before we even say the words.
The turmoil starts weeks, months, and sometimes years before we even end it. This confusion lingers even after all is said and done. We wonder what the hell is wrong with us for walking away. We question why we didn’t do more to fix it.
We examine the relationship from beginning to end to attempt to understand where it went wrong. We don’t always know why we ended it. We need to know what the hell is wrong with us that caused us to walk away.
The regret stabs at our hearts. We regret the hurt we intentionally set upon another person.
We hate what we did that caused sadness. We wonder if the person will ever get over us. We hope the person forgives us for what we did. That regret stays with us. We regret wasting the other person’s time and attention. We feel bad for what the hurt may do to their future relationships. The regret could stay with us forever.
It hurts just as bad as being dumped.
We cared about the other person. We spent a good amount of time getting to know them. We opened our hearts and let them in. None of this is easy. Just because we walked away doesn’t mean we won’t think about them every second of every day. It doesn’t mean our time together was any less. Knowing they won’t be in our lives hurts.
The end of any relationship is hard on both parties. Just because we were the ones to end it, we need the necessary time to heal once it’s over, just as much as the person who was dumped.
We need to realize there are billions of people in the world. Something was missing in our relationship, and we trusted ourselves enough to know this person wasn’t our forever person. We have to believe there is someone else out there for both of us. It wouldn’t have been fair to hold on to someone we knew wasn’t going to be the one.
Instead, we need to be thankful that we realized this wasn’t our forever person before any more time was wasted. This gives each person a chance at finding their forever person.
We should place distance from the person. Give ourselves the time we need to heal. To respect the other person and give them the time they need away from us to heal as well. We will need to go through the motions of self-care, reestablishing boundaries, and healing. We are just as hurt and require healing time.
We don’t have to forget them. We can remember all the good times, the lessons learned, and the memories made. What would this life be if we didn’t create memories along the way? We can appreciate that person for who they were when they were in our lives.
We need to forgive ourselves. We didn’t mean to hurt anyone.
We can praise ourselves for being truthful and trusting our gut.
We can accept our decision to end the relationship and begin the process of healing. To process, accept, and finally move on.
Not every relationship is our forever person. But dating is part of living, and we should all provide kindness, love, and respect for each party involved, whether we were dumped or the person who ended it.
This is the part of dating—the end of a relationship—that sucks for everyone.
If all parties involved go about the ending of a relationship with an open heart, consideration, thought, and truth, we just might survive the ending a little better and come out of it in one exquisite piece—all of us, including the one who ended it.