*Warning: high levels of sarcasm ahead.

 

You might think I’m crazy by now.

I don’t blame you. Offering advice on how to ruin your relationship might seem a little crazy. But unless you actually want to ruin whatever you have with your partner, my tips are meant to nudge you.

The truth is, many of us lead happy relationships with unhappy partners. While we think that our partner is blessed to have someone like us, they might be displeased with the way we treat them.

And I’m not saying it’s easy. Building and maintaining happy relationships is as tough as building a rocket and launching it to space. Both require patience, effort, commitment, trial and error, and if you’re lucky enough, they won’t blow up to pieces when all you have ever wanted was a soft landing.

That said, if you are doing any of the below, you might be ruining your relationship. And if you’re just here because you really want to ruin your relationship, well…you’re in the right place (and you’re naughty…oh, and this article is tongue-in-cheek).

1. Violate your partner’s trust. Don’t be honest. Don’t communicate. Break your promises. For immediate results, be mysterious and suspicious. Hmm, sexy.

2. Don’t validate your partner’s emotions. It’s 2021; come on, folks. Feeling sad, angry, or emotionally fragile is so yesterday! So don’t validate their emotions, judge them, and make them feel bad for actually having feelings.

3. Stop “dating.” Yuck. Who does that anymore? Your couch is perfect and so is your TV. Make sure to stay on them.

4. Stay on your phone. Want to say something to your partner who’s sitting right next to you? Text them. And no need to look at them when they’re talking to you. Studies have shown that looking at your screen when your partner is talking to you can strengthen your bond.

5. Make sure to always blame them. “Own up to your mistakes.” “Apologize if appropriate.” “Recognize you’re wrong.” Pfft. All this fuss is totally unnecessary.

6. Stop trying to get to know your partner. Let’s be honest. You already know everything about them. It’s not like they have new aspirations, needs, or beliefs. So drop the curiosity.

7. Take things personally. Remember, everything has to do with you. Everything. So please make sure to turn every little thing into a huge problem that could sabotage your relationship.

8. Hold grudges. Lots of them. Remember that fight two years ago? What are you waiting for? Bring it up!

9. Criticize. Criticize. And if you can, criticize some more!

10. Give them the silent treatment. I heard it’s cool to do that. Communication is so freaking outdated.

11. Stop trying to win your partner. I mean, you already did, no? Your partner is as good as that trophy on your shelf (dusty and forgotten).

12. Don’t try new things in bed. Make sure to maintain the same routine over and over again. Have sex in the same place. Make the same sounds. You know better.

13. Don’t ask about their day. Their day is just a…day. Who the hell needs to know about it?

14. Tell them what to do. Be controlling. Some say it’s sexy, and it can highly benefit your relationship. Don’t offer advice or give your partner the freedom/space to make their own choices.

15. Give up your friends. Who needs friends when you have a partner? Ditch your friends, put your life and plans on hold, and stay with your partner 24/7.

Now, for the love of god, stop doing these.

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