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July 28, 2021

Now that I’m Over You: a Letter to a Past Love.

 

 

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For some time, I have allowed your words to define me.

…that I was too much.

…that I was insecure.

…that I am quick to judge people.

I have let your words hammer me down until my self-esteem laid flat on its face.

But a quick trip down memory lane saved me.

I saw the cheerful, positive, and loving woman I used to be before I gave you my soul.

I saw the courageous but vulnerable woman I was before you projected your own cowardice and defensiveness onto me.

Down memory lane I saw that I have been “too much” because I have so much to give. I was all in while you constantly reminded me that you would always take me with a grain of salt and that I should do the same with you.

I loved you fully while you loved me half-heartedly. I needed your consistency, but you bombarded the heart I vulnerably exposed to you with uncertainty.

I have been too much because I cared and loved you too much.

Down memory lane I saw that I have been insecure because your actions were unreliable—I sensed your duplicitous nature.

I was insecure about how you would love me just right when I could see that you couldn’t love yourself properly.

You are quick to label me and other people as insecure, yet it is you who would easily get agitated and defensive when your character, thoughts, and ideas were challenged. You would rather resort to trolling, insulting, and harsh remarks when the truths you believed in are called into question instead of dealing with the challenge as gracefully and as decently as you could.

You would often paint a hopeful picture about us and our future, yet often think about people, events, and the world negatively.

So yes, you might be right—I was insecure, but mostly about who you were.

Down memory lane I saw that you were wrong—that I wasn’t quick to judge people. If I were, then I might not have given you a second of my attention and affection.

But I wish you were right so I could have listened to my intuition right from the get-go.

It takes two to tango, and I am not ashamed to admit that I had something to do in our relationship’s undoing.

But now that I am over you, I can confidently say:

Where my fault lies in succumbing occasionally to my irrationality, yours lies in not knowing how to love vulnerably.

I have wronged you, I know. But I have forgiven myself and I hope you did too.

And whilst we carry on living each of our lives, may you remember the message of these poems I wrote for you:

Anger

Throw it out and it shall boomerang
Pain is as strong as the force you expend
Like a fire burning things to ashes
Extinguishing itself in the process

When kept, it’ll slowly consume you
Warping and clouding your point of view
A war you wage to your inner peace
A havoc which only you can cease

Lover

I. Love me for me

You entered a covenant with me
How long you can honor it, we’ll see
My ask is for you to love me for me
Not only for how I make you feel giddy

II. Love me patiently

With me, you are in a spree
Whatever I can offer, I give it generously
My ask is for you to be patient with me
Especially when I’m not acting sensibly

III. Love me vulnerably

I’ve allowed you to see through me
The good in me and the demons I hid carefully
My ask is for you to also open up to me
Allow me to accept and love you wholly

IV. Love me as you love yourself

Of myself, you are an extension
Whom I’ll deeply care for, with elation
My ask is, treat me not as an option
Who is only a fleeting preoccupation

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