August 24, 2021

We’re Looking for Ourselves in all the Wrong Places.

On the wall in my bedroom is a picture of a lingam and a stylised yoni.

My lover made them for me.

I can’t share the lingam image with you because it might be deemed too sexual, but the image with this piece is the yoni.

I’ve spent a lot of time over the past two weeks in bed with bronchitis, cough, and general exhaustion. I’ve been looking at these pictures a lot—my mind simply ranging all over.

A lot of people come to see me, online as well as in person, because relationships have ended or are in trouble.

We talk a lot about the patterns we live with, as it’s a cornerstone of my work.

What we come to realize is that these relationships are often, mostly, an expression of the patterns within us. And a big part of this is the relationship we have with ourselves, with our bodies, hearts, and genitals.

The problem is that we look to others (and to others’ bodies) for these relationships.

We don’t realise—and are probably not taught—the importance of this: all relationships are an extension of the relationship we have with ourselves.

Until then, all that we do is express our subconscious patterns, our shadows, the judgment, conditioning, and patterning we have with ourselves in our relationships.

And a huge part of this is in our sexuality, expressed through our bodies, hearts, and genitals.

This is the relationship that we’re not often aware of (and we’re not aware of the impact it has on our relationships with others).

This is what so much of the healing journeys, the exploration, and learning are about. This is where the growth happens.

And this is where our relationships with others happen.

Within ourselves. With ourselves.

I’ve learned to begin the journey with my body.

And to continue the journey with my body.

It is an embodied journey.

As much as we think our spirituality is above the waist, above the neck, it’s in our bodies, and it begins in the base of our bodies, our perineum, our genitals.

It’s in our bellies, in our guts, our viscera, our hearts.

And I’ve learned it’s about bringing the mind into the body—into the depths of the body.

Until we have a relationship with our own bodies, our own genitals, until we know who we are, we keep looking outside.



And what we’re looking for is ourselves. In the wrong place.

I remember when she was making the images, my lover. She asked me for a few pictures of my lingam. I didn’t know what for at the time.

Over the past few weeks, it’s taken me deeper into the awareness of how important the relationship with ourselves is.

And how endless, limitless it is.

The depths, the subtlety.

Me, us.

And every relationship, every sexual relationship, every heart relationship comes from that.

And every spiritual relationship comes from that.

From the relationship with ourselves.

Rooted in our bodies.

Our genitals, the source of life.

For many of us, the journey begins with something simple.

We’d like to have better relationships, whatever that means. We’d like to have more love, more pleasure, more intimacy.

Over time, we see how that connects to the spiritual.

To the eternal—and to the eternal we are.

It’s all within us.

Learning about ourselves.

Loving ourselves.



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