August 12, 2021

What it really means when we’re Sexually Bored.

Sexually Bored? You must be Asleep!

Recently, a few people—both couples and single people—have come to see me because they’re sexually bored.

I’ve been teaching in the field of Conscious Sexuality for over 20 years, and this is a pretty common thing. In fact, in long-term relationships, it’s one of the biggest sexual issues that people encounter. And sometimes, it doesn’t have to be experienced in a long-term relationship.

Often we’re bored with our own sexuality, which has nothing to do with our partner’s—it’s fully about us. (I’m going to come back to that a little later on.)

Recently, something landed for me about being sexually bored.

If you are bored with your sexuality, with the experiences that you’re having, you’re either asleep, unconscious, disconnected, overly goal-oriented, in expectation, or stuck far too deep in a pattern.

How else can you be sexually bored?

Firstly, this body, this amazing body, is a field of limitless sensations and possibilities. What we can experience with every part of our body, when it’s awake, alive, and vital, is such a vast range of sensations and feelings; how could we ever be bored with it?

If we are bored, we’re not present, we’re not feeling. We’re numb or disconnected. And we’re definitely not in our body.

Let’s stay with the body and our senses for a while here.

Our senses offer us an endless, ever-changing discovery of perception, of perspective, and of sensing.

It’s in our eyes, our vision, what we see. Looking at our lover—at their body, their face, their genitals—is amazing.

If we’re seeing the same thing every time, then we’re not seeing, we’re not looking. We’re in a memory, seeing what we think we’ve seen before, what we expect to see.

If we’re tasting our lover, their skin, their mouths, their sex, their sweat, their nectar, and it tastes the same, we’re not present.

If we’re hearing the same words, the same sounds, sighs, moans, we’re listening to a recording.

If we’re touching—oh, if we’re touching—and it feels the same, we’re not feeling. We’re touching a thought, not the body, the pulsating, throbbing body so full of life next to us.

If our kiss is the same, it’s because we’re doing what we always do, and just expecting that their lips, their mouth, their tongue are the same they were whenever.

Then there is energy, sexual energy, a power that goes as deep, as vast as the universe. Because it is.

It’s the energy of life-force, of creation, of magic and mystery.

A journey into sexual energy is a life-long journey of continuous discovery—exploration. Awareness upon awareness opening within us, between us.

It’s the energy of the Divine in sex…and it’s time for a brief digression.

We talk, some of us anyway, about “sacred sex.” If we we’re experiencing sex as sacred, as worship, our bodies as divine altars, our skin, our liquids as divine, do you think we’d be bored?

How can we be bored if we’re ecstatic?

Next is our minds, our endless minds, and all the thoughts and fantasies it can create and explore.

It’s interesting that most of us have a “fantasy playbook.” We have what works, and we keep coming back to it. Until it doesn’t work—it doesn’t excite us anymore.

Then, oh my word, the range of things we can do sensually, sexually…

I’ve been exploring, teaching, learning, experiencing actively for most of my adult life. There are so many things I’ve done. And so much more to explore.

Recently, I became entranced with a new way of using rope that led me to create an amazing new experience. It’s opened a door to wide exploration, both for myself, my clients, and my partners. I’ve also been drawn to something I never was before; let’s call it a liquid activity for now.

And I’m not alone in this exploration. There are so many of us being endlessly creative and excited and interested and loving the loving, the pleasure, the possibilities.

Next we’re going to talk about intimacy.

If we are intimate in an experience, we are touched. We’re connected and present. We’re feeling and engaged.

Intimacy is of the heart, and I ask, do you think your heart is ever bored?

The nature of the heart is to open, to love.

Intimacy is layer after layer revealing itself in so many ways. It opens our eyes, our senses; it brings us into awareness and takes us deeper into the body. It takes us deep into ourselves, into every part of us, and from this place we can connect with our lovers.

And we have to talk about talking, about communication.

Because if we’re bored, there’s a fair chance we’re not talking about what we want, what we crave, what we hunger for.

We’re not talking about what we’d like to experience, explore, try, and taste.

Here’s what we need to remember if we’re sexually bored:

We get very little education for pleasure, and the importance of pleasure. Not only for our relationships, but for our own well-being in so many ways.

We live in patterns, and most of what we do is simply repeating patterns that we’re not even aware of. The patterns are in our minds and in our bodies, which keep us doing the same things again and again, without much awareness.

Sex is the same.

When we understand that we can change the patterns, so much begins to change.

For most of us, the goal of sex is orgasm. And as wonderful as orgasms are, most of us are looking for the release of orgasm rather than the feeling of orgasm, the energy of orgasm.

When we understand that there’s more, well that’s where the shift occurs.

Like all paths of learning, growth, healing, and exploring, this takes energy and willingness. It takes dedication, and what a wonderful thing to be dedicated to: the practice of pleasure.

It takes a willingness to acknowledge that in today’s world, for so many of us, sex is still the part of life we judge the most, don’t know a lot about, and still have such high levels of issues around that we don’t address.

It scares us, challenges us, and touches our egos, our fears. We know, or maybe just have a vague idea, of the power of our sexuality. And when we’ve had a taste of something so delicious, so alluring, so enticing, so freeing, so vital, so Divine, we want more.

And that changes many things in our lives, in our world. It raises many questions.

Because our sexuality is so connected to every aspect of life.

As I look at what I’ve written here, I see how connected all these things are in this incredible web of possibility. How our sex is an expression of energy. And when we understand energy, the way we see relationships change. And when we see our bodies differently, we sense the world differently. It goes on and on.

I also know that this is just touching the surface of so many things. (Hmm, feels like there’s a book here.)

I look forward to sharing more of these ideas, and the practices that can help us change them, with you. And I remember I said I’d come back to being bored with ourselves.

That’s where so much of this comes from.

We need to cultivate a relationship with our own bodies, our own hearts, our own sensuality, sexuality, and energy that’s alive, vibrant, and dynamic.

It all begins with us.

If you think you’re bored, send me a message, give me call—we can do something about it.


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