August 29, 2021

This quote on Childhood Wounds shattered Everything I thought I knew about my Relationship.


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Folks, you might not be ready to read this.

I wasn’t. I had no idea that this quote by Neil Strauss would make me pause, think, rethink, stop in my tracks, read it again, and contemplate my relationship—like really contemplate.

I read it and the first thing I said was, “Woah.”

“It’s worth remembering that most of the time, when you are arguing in a relationship, you are not truly arguing with your partner and they are not arguing with you. They are arguing with a parent. You are arguing with a grown up version of that child.”



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I will be honest. The first thing I did when I read this quote was revisit almost every single fight or misunderstanding my partner and I ever had.

I revisited our words, actions, and reactions. I thought carefully about the emotional triggers we felt and the pain we had inflicted on each other during the fights.

Then it hit me, “Oh my goodness. I was arguing with my parents indeed, and he was arguing with his own parents—not really with each other.”

My partner and I are aware of our childhood wounds. We know each other’s unresolved traumas. So if we ever have a misunderstanding or a fight, we discuss where our reactions are coming from and link them to a possible childhood event.

Reading this quote was reassuring for both of us. I realized that my unfinished business with my parents has been prevailing with my partner.

Now I understand how my unresolved traumas make sudden and surprising appearances. It’s not my partner I’m fighting with (at least not all the time)—I’m only reliving an emotion I felt more than 25 years ago.

My partner is a vessel. Your partner is a vessel. If we understand this, we might actually resolve our dormant childhood wounds and all our intimate issues with our partner.

What do you think? Share your thoughts in comments!


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