August 29, 2021

This quote on Childhood Wounds shattered Everything I thought I knew about my Relationship.

 

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Folks, you might not be ready to read this.

I wasn’t. I had no idea that this quote by Neil Strauss would make me pause, think, rethink, stop in my tracks, read it again, and contemplate my relationship—like really contemplate.

I read it and the first thing I said was, “Woah.”

“It’s worth remembering that most of the time, when you are arguing in a relationship, you are not truly arguing with your partner and they are not arguing with you. They are arguing with a parent. You are arguing with a grown up version of that child.”

 

 

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I will be honest. The first thing I did when I read this quote was revisit almost every single fight or misunderstanding my partner and I ever had.

I revisited our words, actions, and reactions. I thought carefully about the emotional triggers we felt and the pain we had inflicted on each other during the fights.

Then it hit me, “Oh my goodness. I was arguing with my parents indeed, and he was arguing with his own parents—not really with each other.”

My partner and I are aware of our childhood wounds. We know each other’s unresolved traumas. So if we ever have a misunderstanding or a fight, we discuss where our reactions are coming from and link them to a possible childhood event.

Reading this quote was reassuring for both of us. I realized that my unfinished business with my parents has been prevailing with my partner.

Now I understand how my unresolved traumas make sudden and surprising appearances. It’s not my partner I’m fighting with (at least not all the time)—I’m only reliving an emotion I felt more than 25 years ago.

My partner is a vessel. Your partner is a vessel. If we understand this, we might actually resolve our dormant childhood wounds and all our intimate issues with our partner.

What do you think? Share your thoughts in comments!

 

Hearted by and 10 other readers

 

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