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What is it about losing someone that causes us so much pain and longing?

When you have intertwined your lives, made sacrifices, formed a soul bond, shared secrets, dreams, and fears, made promises, loved hard, and exchanged energy on every level. Physical touch. Sexually charged. Emotionally attached and spiritually woven together. When your hearts have connected.

When they are there, one minute sharing your life, and next, they are gone. All that is left are the memories, and for a time, a trace of how they smelled. The soap, shampoo, deodorant, and cologne. Their essence haunting your sense of smell, reminding you of what was.

I miss how your eyes crinkle in the corners every time you smile. But I don’t miss the darkness in your eyes every time you felt jealous or threatened.

I miss the sound of your voice when you told me I was the love of your life. But I don’t miss the accusatory tone of your voice when you felt insecure.

I miss the regular text messages with sweet words and amorous passion. But I don’t miss the angry, harsh messages when you were not in a good mood.

I miss the laughter and mutual teasing. But I don’t miss the deliberate attempts to “get under my skin.”

I miss our car trips, the music, conversations, and you holding my hand. But I don’t miss picking you up after a night out with mates when you wanted to pick a fight.

I miss helping you—helping you so your day was easier. But I don’t miss being taken for granted.

I miss your face and all the emotions it could hold. But I don’t miss the masks you wear.

I miss our talks, all that we shared, and all that we desired. But I don’t miss your moody silences.

I miss the trust and faith I had in you. But I don’t miss you breaking that trust and faith.

I miss our physical touch and being close to you. But I don’t miss how I felt each time you had to leave.

I miss that connection we had—the one we couldn’t explain. But I don’t miss the confusion that came with that.

I miss watching “Suits” with you. But I don’t watch that anymore.

I miss watching sunrises with you. But sunrises are just as beautiful without you.

I miss our early mornings together; there were so many moments we shared. But I have created my own morning rituals now.

I miss your sweaty body climbing into bed after you had been to the gym. But I have my own workout schedule now.

I miss your “get fit and healthy” schemes—celery juice, vegan, green juice, sit-up challenges, martial arts, that lemon juice, turmeric, garlic, and ginger concoction. But I have my own “get fit and healthy” ideas now.

I miss the way you sounded when you called me “my love.” The words took on a story of their own. But they were just words—in the end, just two words.

I miss the way your presence took up this space in my apartment. How your energy filled the room. But this is my space and my energy fills the room now.

I miss the way we were so comfortable with each other. Our souls so in tune. But your absence has allowed me to find comfort in my own skin and become attuned to my own soul.

I miss that look; you know the one. It was so intense like I was the most desirable woman alive. But I gained confidence from that, and I don’t need a look to feel desirable.

I miss who I thought you were—what I thought we were. But time has taught me that sometimes the beauty in memories is a partial illusion to protect us from the bad stuff.

I miss the man I fell in love with. The man you wanted me to see—perhaps the man you wanted to be. But you are not really that man, and that’s okay, because the void you left taught me how to fill myself up.

There was good, and there was bad. There was light, but there was also darkness. There was joy, and there was turmoil, but ultimately, there was love, even if that love was messy. Even if we were messy.

Maybe I missed you yesterday. Maybe I missed you today, and maybe I’ll miss you tomorrow. But that just means we shared a moment in time. A moment when our lives moulded together and a little piece of our soul was threaded. Perhaps a small imprint on our hearts.

I can miss you but do not want to be with you. I can long for you but not need you in my life, and I can love you and let you go. I can hold a place for you in my heart but open my heart to another with love and joy.

Missing you reminds me of the good you brought to my life. The rich, beautiful blessings you bestowed upon me and the harsh and difficult lessons you taught me. Missing you isn’t as sad anymore; it’s a gentle, warm hug because through missing you, I found me.

Through the absence of you, I filled me.

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