November 7, 2021

If I Knew Then What I Know Now.

Do you ever look back and question whether you would do your past differently, especially now you know better?

I’ve been reflecting a lot recently. I don’t like to focus on regret, as I feel everything that has happened has done so for a reason.

Yes, we make mistakes, but without mistakes, how do we learn? Not all mistakes are necessarily a bad thing. Perhaps a better word is lessons, which are supposed to happen; it’s what we take from them that’s important. It’s how we step forward and whether we use them for change and growth. It’s how we heal. It’s who we become afterwards that’s key.

We get hurt and we hurt others. We suffer pain and we may inadvertently cause others pain. Whether it’s a small digression or a monumental f*ck up, it was there to teach us. Usually we are doing the best we can, with what we know and how we feel.

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have wildly followed my heart and soul and in the process upheaval my whole life? Would I have stopped for a moment and followed a familiar path, or would I have continued to dive from a terrifying height, with no safety net?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have started to live my life so far outside my comfort zone? In a new home, a new area, away from everything I have ever known? Would I have made new friends and done new things?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have fallen so deeply in love with him, when I knew he couldn’t give me what I wanted? Would I have put all my trust and faith in a man who didn’t have trust and faith in himself? Would I have given my everything, knowing he couldn’t give me his? Would I have had his back at every single moment, when I was unsure he had mine?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have been so patient, so tolerant? Would I have just quietly, without fuss or fanfare, given so much with kindness and compassion, expecting so little in return?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have treated myself so unkindly? Would I have put myself second, sometimes third or forth, in my need to prioritise others? In my need to please others. Would I have built better boundaries—or at least some boundaries?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have emotionally, spiritually, and physically connected with him in such a profound way? Would I have floated so mesmerisingly, so evocatively, into such uncharted waters, not knowing if I had a life raft?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have walked away from the only life I ever knew? Would I have metaphorically jumped off a ledge, without a harness?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have spent so many hours with tear-stained cheeks. Would I have allowed myself to feel every f*cking brutally painful blow? Would I have ridden the grief roller coaster, with no idea of how to get off? Would I have felt everything so gut-wrenchingly deeply?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have so despairingly fallen on my sword? Would I have so terrifyingly spoken my truth? Owned all my sh*t no matter the outcome?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have trusted him implicitly with my mind, body, and spirit, in a way I’ve not let anyone do so deeply before? Would I have given myself so openly, lovingly, and loyally without the same level of reciprocation?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have believed his words and his promises, even though the actions defied what was spoken?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I allow myself to love so rawly, so fully, and courageously? Would I so vulnerably and lovingly hand over my heart and soul?

If I knew then what I know now

Would I have been any different? Would I have taken a different path, a different journey? Would I have been more closed? Less trusting? Less compassionate or kind?

Without this path, the universe laid out for me, I would not have felt these incredible feelings and emotions. I would not have suffered through the f*cking debilitating pain. I would not have fallen so spectacularly on my sword and faced my own messy darkness. I would not have had this change and growth, which could only come after I was elevated to dizzying heights, and then pushed hard and sharply on my knees. Left to fend for myself. Left to pick myself up and wipe away my own tears.

If I knew then what I know now

I absolutely would not change a thing, because what I didn’t know then and what I do know now with crystal clear clarity is this path—filled with warmth, love, excitement, passion, pain, torment, sadness, fear, hurt, lessons, forgiveness, and healing—is the path that led me back to me.

I didn’t know then, but I do know now

That my destination was never a place or a person. My destination was me.

My journey was a beautiful and treacherous road, oh, but the destination—the destination is the me I was always meant to become.

~

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