When I first was starting my dating journey, I had no idea who I was.
I had no self-confidence and wanted a man to validate my self-worth. I was going on countless dates with anyone who asked because the short-term attention felt amazing.
It was like a short burst to my confidence that I loved. But the confidence left as soon as it came. If there was no connection on the date or I didn’t hear from the guy after, my confidence went right back to zero.
See, I avoided relationships for my entire life because of this reason. I had no confidence in myself and was constantly trying to hide or change who I was. I had a deeply held belief that the authentic version of me wasn’t worthy of love. I am not sure where the belief originated from, but it stuck with me daily.
This led me to crash diet after crash diet in hopes of losing 15 pounds. Then, I thought to myself, I would be ready to find love.
I was placing all my self-worth on what men thought of me and if they were attracted to me or not. It was a dangerous mindset to be in because I was determining my desirability based on the actions of others.
Aside from trying to lose weight and change my physical appearance, I also thought I had to be someone completely different. I didn’t think that my sensitive, caring nature would be all that exciting to offer to a man. I was judging myself endlessly for my uniqueness.
Growing up, I had this belief that men loved the extroverted party girl. The girl who loved to go out, could stay up all hours, had a calendar full of plans, and was the loudest in the room. I mean that’s what we saw on TV and in movies; this was the girl men wanted. I was going to do everything I could to be this girl even though it was really the opposite of my authentic self.
This would be the girl who finally falls in love, I thought to myself.
So with this deeply held belief, I did everything I could to change my personality. I would use alcohol as a way to turn me into this other version. I wanted to be the extroverted party girl, so I did just that.
Drinking before dates to calm my nerves, over-drinking on dates, and hiding my true self was all too common. I figured this is what guys wanted. They wanted the “chill” girl who was unaffected and didn’t care. Even though this was against every fiber of my being, I played along.
The truth was I actually did care, a lot. I am a highly sensitive person who struggled with anxiety my entire life. I process feelings and emotions deeply and experience life on a different level than most. But I thought that my authentic self was too “out there,” so I tried to be the chill girl who didn’t care.
However, when I was doing this—what I thought was the right thing to do—dating felt more exhausting than ever. I would leave a date feeling deflated, like I would never find love. I felt trapped inside this persona I was playing into, and it was hard to keep up. Looking back now, I realize that me pretending to be someone else kept me in a vicious cycle of failed dates.
It wasn’t until I started to love and appreciate myself that I started to attract high quality men. Men who wanted to get to know the real me and were interested in what I was thinking. It felt so freeing to actually be me.
Living as my authentic self is what led me to finding my person, a man who loves me exactly as I am.
And you can get there, too. That’s exactly what I help clients do in my coaching program. You will cultivate a deep love and appreciation for yourself that will be with you for life. You will grow your confidence as you learn just how special you are and you will naturally attract the right men into your life.
But let’s break down why being the “cool” girl will keep you single, like it did to me for so many years. Here are the two biggest reasons:
1. Pretending that you don’t care will attract men who don’t care.
We are all energetic beings; the energy we put out is the energy we get back. This is especially true in dating and relationships. We attract the energy we give, as simple as that.
So, if you are putting off the vibe that you don’t care about love or you are unaffected when someone hurts you, you’ll get that back in return. I put off this vibe for years when I first started dating.
Even though I was a sensitive and caring person, I thought I had to hide that part of me. I pretended to be unfazed if I was ghosted or stood up. I suppressed how I really felt because I thought I was protecting myself in some way.
But in reality, the only person I was hurting was myself. I was letting men treat me less than I deserved. I made it seem okay if a date disregarded my feelings even though it did affect me.
No wonder I was attracting men who only wanted short-term flings and men who were just looking for attention.
When I became honest with myself and realized that I did in fact want true love, I knew I had to be the change I was craving. If I wanted a soulmate kind of love, I could not settle for anything less than that. Once I accepted this fact, everything changed.
I started to portray who I really was and made sure my online dating profile reflected that. I made it clear I was looking for a relationship. I started going on coffee dates instead of dates centered around alcohol. I told a guy if I liked him, knowing fully well he may not feel the same. I let myself be seen!
It was so freeing to finally just be myself and be honest with everyone around me. My confidence was sky-high because I was being true to me.
Within months of being my authentic self and knowing the love I deserved, my soulmate showed up effortlessly.
2. Avoiding vulnerability is avoiding meaningful connections.
The secret to a happy and fulfilling life is vulnerability. The secret to deep connections filled with true love is vulnerability. The secret to pretty much everything you are desiring is vulnerability!
Yet so many of us avoid it altogether. Most humans would rather pretend like they don’t have feelings instead of being honest with themselves and everyone else. This is the easiest, yet hardest, fact to accept about life.
And nowhere else does it matter more than in dating and finding love. It is the key to successful, long lasting relationships. Seriously, it’s that important.
You cannot find and form deep connections unless you start getting vulnerable.
Vulnerability is so important because once you can make your deepest feelings known, you will feel a sense of freedom. You won’t have to hide any part of you, and you won’t have to shut off your feelings.
Take a look at kids; they are extremely vulnerable. They let their feelings be known, they don’t sugarcoat anything, and they can be brutally honest. But also look at how much fun kids have, how free their life is.
But somewhere along the way, children are told to suppress all their feelings. That being themselves isn’t safe and that heartbreak must be avoided at all costs. Did that ever happen in your childhood?
No wonder people hate the idea of growing up. Most adults are trying to numb away their feelings and find distraction after distraction. Don’t be one of these humans! There’s an entirely different way to live.
Vulnerability is the most beautiful gift you can give yourself and your partner. If it’s a scary idea for you, start slow. Share your goals and desires with your partner, start a daily routine that’s just for you, and start uncovering where your limiting beliefs come from.
So don’t be afraid to the messy, complex, feeling, and loving woman that you are. Once you do, life will feel magical and that soulmate love you’ve been craving will arrive in no time.
The “cool” girl is so last year anyways.