April 17, 2022

Dear Trophy Wife, 5 Things that Need to Stop Right Now.

Men have a long history of messing things up, but times are changing, and a certain type of woman joined the game of defending privilege.

There is no doubt that Patriarchy is harming our society. And there is even less doubt that women are suffering because of Patriarchy.

But today, I would like to talk about the women who are knowingly (or unknowingly) defending Patriarchy while presenting themselves as strong women.

It’s something I witnessed growing up as the son of an entrepreneur. I also experienced this dynamic as a male yoga teacher. And, not to forget, I read an article or two written by women who love to celebrate the divine feminine.

Just to be clear, I am not even blaming any trophy wife for playing the game.

Mostly because I have to assume that many of them are not even aware of what they are doing to society—and those who know what they are doing have good reasons to defend their actions as a self-defense mechanism against Patriarchy.

This is not about blaming individuals and their choices; this is about describing a dynamic that needs to change as soon as possible.

Here are five examples of trophy wife behavior harming men, women, and our children:

1. The divine feminine archetype.

What does a sexist joke have in common with a goddess circle? It’s the perspective on society and gender.

I think we can all agree that sexist jokes aren’t funny, but how about adult women calling themselves goddesses celebrating the divine feminine?

When I was a kid, adults often said things like “Men are good at this” or “Women are good at that.” And these boomer pearls of wisdom shaped a society that loves to separate men and women.

It’s not surprising that anything that goes against the boomer mantra of gender duality stirs up controversy.

What’s the difference between Conservatives insisting that there are only two genders and those who speak about the duality of the divine? It’s just language, but the message is the same.

2. Setting unrealistic standards.

It’s pretty hard to take care of ourselves when working extra hours and worrying about paying our rent. A single mom often does not find the time to practice mindfulness.

But if we look at our social media feeds, we see healthy influencers who seem to spend all day on self-help, wellness, and healing. And I am wondering if I am the only one asking, “Why do they have so much time for all that?”

Maybe the reason is that these influencers literally turned their hobbies into a job. What sounds like a lovely thing to do also creates a lot of pressure on all of us who don’t have the time or money to enjoy this lifestyle.

If we compare our appearance to these influencers, we might feel imperfect or inferior. We should know that comparing ourselves with others doesn’t help—but we also know from experience that humans tend to do exactly that anyway.

How about a disclaimer that says, “This picture was created with the help of filters, coaching, and a lot of free time.”

3. Not getting involved in politics.

If someone says, “I don’t want to get involved in politics,” I usually stop taking them seriously.

Not because I am evil and want everyone to care about politics, it’s more about the underlying ignorance and privilege behind this statement.

When I was living in Costa Rica, I often criticized the business practices of real estate brokers who caused gentrification in paradise. And you know who always defended these folks? The wives and friends who also got to manage the yoga studios built by their husbands.

If you build a hotel, you can hire your wife—nothing wrong with that.

But it seems weird to me if your wife runs a charity to save monkeys while your husband builds a hotel and cuts down all the trees. It’s also weird when a wife runs a charity for local kids while her husband pays less than three bucks an hour to the parents of these kids while making huge profits.

Maybe they should have a conversation about these political topics at dinner? Maybe getting involved in politics could solve a few of these problems?

4. Giving advice.

As mentioned, I am a male yoga teacher. It’s not easy to make a living as a yoga teacher—especially if you are competing with folks who don’t need to make a living.

But that’s not anyone’s fault. It’s just a reality of life. I am not blaming anyone for that.

At the same time, it makes me furious to see “yoga teachers” travelling the world and teaching a class here and there, giving business advice to fellow yogis, or offering coaching programs.

If you teach less than five classes per week with less than 10 students each class, I have a hard time believing that this is enough to make a living. So please, don’t tell me how to run a yoga business.

Enjoy your privilege, but be aware of it.

5. Kicking down.

“She is so toxic lately.”

Well, I would also be grumpy if I had to work two jobs to feed my kids and pay rent.

“She doesn’t take care of herself.”

Well, if I had a mental breakdown because of unpaid bills for breakfast, I would also skip putting on makeup that day.

“You just need to work hard.”

Really? I know hardworking people who don’t end up in a million-dollar mansion at the beach.

I have no problem with people being rich. I am not a communist (even though many commenters on my articles have a different opinion on this). But I do have a problem with folks who are kicking down.

Anyone who achieved a lot of wealth has a story to tell: stories of hardships along the way, moments of doubt, and maybe a few situations of taking advantage of something.

It’s not a secret that many people make money with questionable businesses.

But it’s a well-kept secret that social mobility doesn’t really exist in modern capitalism.

If someone is born into wealth, it’s comparably easy to connect with other wealthy folks. Rich people like to stay away from the problems of the poor without explicitly saying it. It’s often hidden between toxic positivity, setting boundaries, and charging 10 bucks for a smoothie—but it’s real.

It’s one thing not to help and another to kick down to avoid uncomfortable questions.

By now, you might be asking yourself, “Why is he so mad about all this?” And that is a reasonable question.

Maybe I got triggered too often. Maybe little Robert is still upset that he doesn’t live in Costa Rica anymore? Maybe this author is frustrated about his own life.

The answer to these questions is, “Yes.”

I am not making a secret out of this. It’s the story of my life.

When I was a kid, the wives of my dad’s business partners annoyed the sh*t out of me by being drunk and loud. When I was a teenager, I was triggered by wealthy women in my neighborhood, who had never worked in their lives, kicking down against my mom after my dad died.

And as an adult, I am deeply hurt every time I see a young woman claiming that she wants to be a “trophy wife.”

Just search for “trophy wife” on Twitter, Reddit, or Instagram—you will see a lot of young adults doing exactly that.

I thought our goal was to achieve equality? I thought we wanted to empower women?

And I wonder, at what point did we decide to turn our society into “The Handmaid’s Tale?”

Did we actually decide to reverse 50 years of feminism, or did we get tricked into it? And if we got tricked, what was our role in this?

Dear trophy wife, please ask yourself these questions before attacking me in the comments.

 

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