This is a real, true story. And a real photo.
The last few months have been rough and fully shifted the energy when it comes to potential future motherhood for me.
I went from despair and feeling stuck to understanding there was a way out.
I turned 36 this year, and before then, I’d never truly made any decisions or taken action in the direction of motherhood. I was always doing something else or giving my attention to some other magic but I started to become more baby-oriented a year or two ago. We could say that I opened the inner conversation, at last.
Maybe it’s because I felt more settled—in my work, in my life.
Maybe it’s because I found my biological father’s line at the same time. You need to belong to a thread, somewhere, to continue it.
Maybe, and perhaps bigger than the others reason, it’s because I found love. I met my current partner something like three-and-a-half years ago, and his love and the way he is caused or enhanced a blooming desire of one day forming a family.
But he doesn’t want anymore children.
And while that was painful, it’s also when the following journey began.
It became clear that whichever way my own desire toward motherhood would take in the future, either yes or no, he was a no.
It also became clear that his reasons were his, and they were respectable. But when you are 35 and with somebody who is closed off to restarting fatherhood, I figured that I had to take some action—just in case. I had to do something.
So I decided to do what I could. On my own. To use this time as possibility.
I decided to start the fertility conservation process (egg freezing) last January.
Then things got even more complex. They discovered my ovarian reserve was “very low.” One physician said it wasn’t even worth trying, and they rejected my application for the process. Their words were strong and gave me zero hope.
I was devastated because I felt blocked, stuck. All the doors seemed to be closing in front of me.
But I was determined. I wouldn’t let them close all the paths for me. I was too young, I thought. So I went elsewhere and they said, “Let’s try, ASAP.”
When we started the first round, I found different techniques to ease my mind, like seeing the eggs in my womb growing into flowers. I meditated and connected with my ancestral line. I asked for their help.
And against all odds, last June—the day after my birthday—I eventually got the chance to “give birth” to 11 eggs.
The doctors were amazed. One said, “With you, I won’t say anything in the future. Statistics don’t work. There is something with your energy.”
That was beautiful to hear and, I believe, true.
We want somewhere between 15-20 eggs to make sure a baby can be created in the future, if I decide to take that path. So we started another round for retrieval. It will take place sometime this week.
It’s been intense so far. Hospital visits every two days to monitor everything. Blood tests and two injections every evening.
But I feel fine—full of oestrogenes and happy. Trusting. Joyful. Free. Aligned. Like I did what I had to do, for me.
As if everything was happening as it should. As if having the possibility to keep some eggs for later wasn’t a “sad” path anymore—but a blessing, a gift.
I will remember two things from this journey.
One, things always end up making sense. I believe this all went the way it did because I was meant to experience something different and unconventional when it comes to possible motherhood. I met obstacles yes, but also found wisdom.
The wisdom to me is that we can always be on our journey as a woman, whatever our circumstances are, even if our relationship container doesn’t always agree with us. We are free, sovereign human beings, even if we also belong to a shared journey for two.
We can be both. Independent and in connection.
Our path as a person, as an individual, always continues.
Also, we can decide to choose what’s aligned in this now—without stressing over the future. Even if some think things are more black and white. We can say that it’s our right to not make final choices right now in order to become a mother.
We always have the power to do the one thing that’s aligned with us, whatever that is and regardless of what they say. Whether they think we’re strong, weak, consistent, or inconsistent.
Our power is in finding our own truth in this moment, in this time.
Our vessel is our own and our timing and circumstances are our choice.
I remember the sadness, the heaviness of a few months ago. The feeling of rejection. The fear of a final no from the Gods, from life, about me and a possible child.
It felt like an ugly fate because I felt I had no choice. What mattered to me was to have my own say, my own voice.
To choose, when the time was right, my own yes or my own no.
I remember the sadness of a few months ago, and now I feel this joy. The joy of transformation. The deep joy one feels after moving through a tunnel and eventually sensing a way out.
Ladies, if you struggle with any fertility issue, I would like to say: please have hope. Statistics are not the only things that are true. Your heart is truer than numbers, percentages, and even experts sometimes.
If you think your circumstances are complex, maybe it’s for a reason. Maybe it means there is a way that’s uniquely made for you. Maybe your circumstances are special because you are meant to follow another path.
This path will be your way out of pain.
This way out of your pain will be the unique road you were meant to travel.
I hope all will be well this week. And in any case, I know I did what I had to do.
Update: the second egg retrieval worked well. I have 21 in total—thank you Universe! Somebody out there heard my prayers.
“And when you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you achieve it.” ~ Paulo Coelho