Surrender: The Hardest Thing You’ll Never Do. {Adult} ~ Candice Holdorf

Via Candice Holdorf
on Sep 11, 2012
get elephant's newsletter

“Of all fires love is the only inexhaustible one.” ~ Pablo Neruda

I feel like I am at a crossroads. I’ve been here for some time now and I’m getting a little impatient. As the shadows of my former life fade, a vast uncertainty lies before me:

Do I move full-time to Los Angeles this year? Next year? Ever?
Do I travel to Peru, Thailand, India or somewhere else?
Do I continue acting?
Do I continue coaching?
Do I lead workshops?
Do I take more classes?
Do I keep writing articles? A book?
Do I give in to necessity and find that secure 9-5 with health benefits?
Do I have children now? In five years? Ever?

The more I get caught in the questions, the more trapped/confused/angry/scared I feel. Survival mode kicks in and I start making plans, solving problems and fixing my circumstances. I busy myself with menial tasks that are suddenly of great importance. I fixate on anything that seems to move my life ahead, just like a responsible 32-year-old woman should.

I am a woman in control—pearls on, belt cinched, lipstick unsmudged.

Then a hefty kick in the ass arrives (or sometimes just good sex, though the two often go hand-in-hand these days) and I remember that I have chosen an Orgasmic Life—a life of magic, play, spontaneity, curiosity, adventure, growth and above all, a moment-by-moment willingness to surrender to desire.

And the moment I begin to do anything, I have moved from faith to mistrust. From authenticity to masquerading. From being to performing.

Control forces us to do. Surrender requires that we are done.

In the realm of Orgasm, life does its work through you—but you don’t do a damn thing. In fact, the moment you start to do, you actually get in the way of the greater intelligence unfolding from within.

Unfortunately, our achievement-minded society doesn’t think highly of surrender. In fact, those who choose to live on the edge of uncertainty are often labeled as “cowards”, “irresponsible”, “weak” or “pussies.” We overvalue being on top and ignore, scoff at, condemn or even abuse anything that is seemingly “beneath us.”

We all want to fuck life hard and fast…but no one wants to admit their desire to be fucked.

Yet here’s the sad part—for as much as we walk around brandishing our overdeveloped cocks and boasting about our latest conquests, we are actually starving to be well-fucked and thoroughly conquered. Really. Man, woman, gender neutral, hermaphrodite—it doesn’t matter. The art of receiving a good fuck from life is a human experience and is the gift of our inherent femininity.

Surrender requires a hefty amount of vulnerability. We must be willing to let our guard down. We must be willing to explore what we want. We must be willing to unapologetically ask for it. We must be willing to sit in the fire as we watch the tricks, defenses and games we use to hide, burn away, so we can create the space to receive that which we most desire.

And yet, as my friend Pamela Madsen says, this soft, wet, messy, fucked-open vulnerability is “the place from where sexy flows.” It’s the void where unlimited Orgasm resides and where only the brave and truly powerful can unleash Her onto the world. It is unconditional love.

We think we are starving for love and we troll dating sites and bars searching for that person or experience that we think is going to feed us. We think, perhaps if we fuck it open, it will give us the spiritual nutrition we seek.

We are not starving for love.

We are bloated with love. In fact, we have years of backed up love rotting in our systems. We are just stingy, prideful and frightened motherfuckers who think that we are “giving something up” if we reveal our hands first. We hide behind seduction, perfectionism and poker faces, all while silently choking with shame on our tears of gratitude and awe (that have turned bitter with resentment over the years of blame and victimhood).

No, we are not starving for love, but for the nourishment that comes from being fucked open and sharing our own abundance. When you meet someone and fall in love, that person isn’t giving you their love; they are giving you permission to finally, finally express what’s been locked up inside you. And that expression demands nothing less than the fullest surrender of your pride, anger, shame, fear, envy, hatred and any other stagnant energy sitting on top of your orgasm.

These emotions aren’t wrong. Pride, anger, etc. are all part of the journey and when they are acknowledged and fully felt, can be alchemized as fuel for desire and can deepen intimacy with yourself and the people in your life.

Surrender is a practice, just like anything else in life.

There’s a reason why savasana is considered a master pose and why those who hide behind their busyness pop right up out of it at the end of yoga class (myself included). There’s a reason why many try Orgasmic Meditation once, only to run as far from it as possible afterwards. We seek to do the next thing that takes us out of that place of no-thingness…that uncertain void…the ultimate death of all we thought we were.

And yet, on the other side is the sweetest grace you’ve ever known: absolute communion with your soul. The work is to release the conditions that say, “I will only surrender if…(fill in the blank with whatever is it to which you are attaching your happiness).”

So I’ve given up bargaining with Her, released trying to discover the next right move and allowed her to penetrate my innermost being so that pure, unadulterated Orgasm can flow from me in gratitude and grace. And it’s within the healing balm of grace that love is a choice, freedom is inevitable and surrender is the holiest of prayers.

PS: Stay tuned for the upcoming article in my new column, Orgasmic Living, entitled “Ashes on the Playa: An Uncensored Narrative of Love and Surrender.”

PPS: To learn more about Pamela Madsen’s work, including an upcoming retreat focused on healing yourself through vulnerability and surrender, visit

BONUS VIDEO: From the vaults of my surrendered heart

How long will I last?
Can I turn up the heat?
What star am I circling?
What’s circling me?
Now my ebb and my flow
My lack of control
Turning on, turning off
Saying yes, but playing no

~ Editors: Lynn Hasselberger and Lori Lothian

Like elephant Love on Facebook.


About Candice Holdorf

Candice Holdorf is a writer, performer, sex + life coach and Orgasmic Meditation trainer. She is currently working on her book, “From 6 to 9 and Beyond: Widening the Lens of Feminine Eroticism.” You can pre-order your copy here. She is a writer for elephantjournal and The Good Men Project, as well as a performer and public speaker specializing in desire, sexuality and Orgasmic Meditation. She is also a former yoga teacher and recovering anorexic who has discovered that there is tremendous power inside of hunger. Find out more about Candice on her blog, follow her on Twitter, Facebook and YouTube


25 Responses to “Surrender: The Hardest Thing You’ll Never Do. {Adult} ~ Candice Holdorf”

  1. Ale says:

    me encantó! gracias!

  2. Madeleine says:

    This was great, thanks so much!!

  3. de nada…gracias por leerlo 🙂

  4. Thanks for reading! Blessings 🙂

  5. Lori says:

    this post is fabulous!! exactly what I needed to read this morning! thank you, thank you!

  6. Glad it spoke to you! Blessings!

  7. wandering dervish says:

    I don't know…..I think something is missed in this article…a lot of projection, a lot of Fwords…..I think the urge to want that raw hard sexual encounter and be in it all the time is youth, it's Mother Nature putting pressure on us to find a mate, to pair up, to build a nest, and procreate. I remember, I lived it, felt it's pull in every breath. In my 30's it was it's most intense, like a vampire needing fresh blood. But, after having children, moving past your 40's and into your 50's your whole perspective on life shifts and needing a good "F" as you call it really isn't what's truly important in life, granted..I'd love one just like I'd love anything that feels good physically. You'll find out when you grow and age going through life's phases, that what you're going through is just where you're at in life. Yes, sex is good and natural. We all feel the desire deep in us to have it, which keeps us procreating to keep our species going. But, there is so much more to life that will bring you happiness than a good "F". Just like a big chocolate candy bar feels so good and right when eating it, doesn't mean it's what's truly good for your heart, soul and spirit. There's more out there that will fulfill you and I am certain that the explorer that you are, you'll find the real treasures to life, and let me tell you, it's not physical, it's not with a partner. It's much much deeper, from within. Thanks for the article it was definitely a good read.

  8. Thank you so much for your perspective. I agree, there is a kind of sex out there that is like junk food…like slamming down a candy bar. And when we are disconnected from our deepest desires and stuck in the world of craving, it can feel rather like a 'vampire needing fresh blood.' However, I am talking about the kind of living (sex and orgasm being a METAPHOR) where we are in communion with those 'real treasures…much deeper, from within', as you say, free from prison guards that tell us we are 'wrong' and that 'we can't have that' and that in order to be good people in the world, we should adhere to some script for living.

    Also you say it's 'not physical' or 'not with a partner'…perhaps that's true for YOU, but other people may experience their deepest opening in these contexts…each person's soul path is distinctly unique…I am simply expressing one perspective that has unfolded before me and I am COMPLETELY open to it changing 180 degrees at any moment—that's also a part of Orgasmic Living…

    As for the language…eh, that's just my style 🙂

    I wish you a fulfilling journey and that you receive all the blessings you desire…peace…

  9. Luis says:

    during the sex act we become vulnerable and a lot of times we lose the ego. this is a potential path for liberation. we can realize our true essence with the help of that one partner. one that we care about and that cares about us. whether you are 20 or 60 years old. eventually, the need for the sexual act diminishes but if we learned to open the door for cosmic sex, it will remain open to feel the orgasm of the now. which is all we truly have. i really liked your article. be well.

  10. Janus Redmoon says:

    Excellent article, Candice! As I dove into it, I thought to myself “her writing style is quite similar to Nicole Daedone,” only to discover (through your essay) that you two are indeed actually connected via OM. So, that was fun… and actually, my only minor quibble with your article is that I feel it’s incomplete — meaning, I get the sense that you have a LOT more to say on the topic, and it felt like your essay kind of stopped at the “two-thirds” mark. I trust that makes sense…

    Anyhow, thank you for the well-written, thought-provoking piece. I’ll be looking for more of your stuff in the future.

  11. Morgan says:

    "I have chosen an Orgasmic Life—a life of magic, play, spontaneity, curiosity, adventure, growth and above all, a moment-by-moment willingness to surrender to desire.
    And the moment I begin to do anything, I have moved from faith to mistrust. From authenticity to masquerading. From being to performing."

    I needed this today……thank you.

  12. Thanks for reading! Blessings!

  13. Thanks for reading…there is always so much more to say and only enough attention span for many people when it comes to articles 😉


  14. Thank you for reading! Be well…xo

  15. Candice, I love reading you, the richness and grittiness of your words. Even when I don't agree with some bits here and there, my soul agrees with your message.

    And that is exactly what matters to me, because it tells me that my soul is ever capable of surrendering, even when my mind says otherwise.

    Keep up the good work 🙂


  16. arlee says:

    some force, working THRU me, has directed me to gently release u from burdens of questions 4 and 7 (both parts!):


  17. Guest says:

    When I have occasion to read your pieces, I alwys think: This isounds like "Ann Landers for Nymphos. " You also sound a bit manic.

    The body the body the body…..the truth is, unenligthened women are alwys completely obsessed with their bodies….well, when you die, your soul will go with it —- if that's where you stashed it….

  18. And isn't that the fun part? The fertile land between my perspective and yours? And if we surrender to that, some beautiful things can be birthed from their combustion.

    Thanks for reading dear!

  19. […] you orchestrate it. You provide for my every comfort, allowing me to relax, let go, surrender. In surrender I am swept away. You assert your strength and lead me deep into the belly of my own fiery desire. You are my guide […]

  20. […] However, this reasoning seems a touch too convenient. The depth of feeling you have for this man is clearly substantial, which is glorious and inherently risky because real love requires courage. It is a brave thing to totally expose your tender heart when others wield such deadly weapons, but bravery is never in vain, and the poets insist that indeed, such surrender is the sweetest of nectars. […]

  21. […] so comes with it the wish I’ve wished before. Stay with me. It is my invitation. It is where I surrender my bounty. And I long for it with the same intensity that I thirst for […]

  22. […] with that level of surrender came the greatest range of orgasm I have yet […]

  23. […] and perhaps beautifully, the dancer moving to the symphony of notes life plays for me. The dance of surrender is my only […]

  24. […] of it all, with a bedrock foundation in something greater than all of this, with my own light and surrender and basic formation settled and accounted for and with which I am deeply, truly, and exquisitely at […]

  25. […] a gift from God. I will bow before the throne of this man. I will kiss his feet, offer my unending devotion and surrender all that I am at the altar of […]