The 5 Stages of Queefing in Yoga Class. {Adult}

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Warning: Awesome and funny adult-ish commentary below! 

When we practice yoga, we move our bodies and our energy.

We also, sometimes, move other things. Like gas.

Or air.

Sometimes, we cut the Chi.

With our vaginas.

A queef, also known as a vart (vaginal fart), is the expulsion of air through the vagina. It is not smelly (unless your vagina has accidentally inhaled some already smelly air).

Often, queefs sweep in with no notice until it’s too late. And, once a queef begins, any attempts to stifle it only seem to amplify it, as if someone’s holding a microphone up to your vulva.

If you have ever queefed during a busy yoga class, you’re not alone. Here are the Five Stages of Queefing in Yoga Class.

Denial.

At first, the sound is startling: a noise akin to a large balloon being untied and released, allowing it to sputter through the room.

It’s so startling that it takes a moment to realize that the sound is, in fact, coming from your own vag.

You give your yoga mat neighbor the side-eye in an attempt to shift the blame onto her. Except it turns out to be a dude, and he beats you to the side-eye. So you start scraping your toenails across your mat, as if to explain it’s your yoga mat that sounds like an unwell, whinnying horse.

Anger.

You wonder why the universe hates women. We get periods and PMS and uterus-crushing cramps. Then the pain of childbirth. Then the aftermath, including a possibly floppier yoni which in turn, produces bigger, longer, louder queefs.

~

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Why don’t yoga teachers address this? Why don’t they warn you that Three-Legged Dog might as well be called Winding Up the Queef Machine?

If you were a yoga teacher, you’d be so supportive. Instead of that horny unicorn music, you’d play a stream of constant farting and queefing, just to make people feel more comfortable with their bodily functions.

Because you are that kind, goddammit. 

Bargaining.

This is your prayer of mercy:

Please stop. Please, vagina, stop sputtering. Stop sucking in air and slurpily expelling it. You promise you will start doing Kegels the minute this class is over but please for the love of god stop varting. I will be so good to you, Baby. I will tidy up the landscape and stop buying the cheap tampons. I will lather you up with the finest French soap—not that you’re dirty! I’ll take you out to see Magic Mike XXL and buy you a vagina pony. A yoni pony!

Just please stop making that sound!

~

*Summer Detox at Maya Tulum Resort, Tulum, Mexico – book now and get a discount when you mention Elephant.

~

Depression.

You’re done for. You can’t go to yoga anymore. It’s just too embarrassing. You guess you’ll just stay home and watch yoga downloads and queef by yourself.

Acceptance.

From the muck of your desperation, a lotus flower of hope blooms.

You realize: Everybody queefs.

Well, at least women. Men don’t, right? Can penises suck in air? Is that why they call it a blow job?!? Wait. I’m Googling this shit. Urban Dictionary says penile queefs are much more rare, but they can happen! And they’re called quofes—yes quofes! 

Our bodies are amazing. A queef is just a queef. Except when it’s a quofe. Queefing and quofing are totes natural. Let’s all lighten up. It’s just a little upcycled (literally—up my vag!) air, people!

Here I come, Plow Pose…

 

 

 

More awesome from Lynn:

My Vagina has a Personal Trainer: Tales from Pelvic Floor Rehab.

 

 

Relephant:

The 10 things you’ll do once you start yoga (that have nothing to do with yoga).

 

 

Author: Lynn Shattuck

Editor: Renée Picard

Image: via Pixabay 

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Lynn Shattuck

Lynn Shattuck lives in Portland, Maine with her husband and two young children. She blogs about parenting, imperfection, spirit and truth telling—you can connect with her through her website or find her on Facebook.

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anonymous Jan 22, 2016 9:53am

This is incredible. Lynn, you deserve a medal. So funny and so true!

anonymous Aug 31, 2015 8:04pm

OMG laughing so hard. Tears. Completely hilarious. And so honest. Thank for this awesome piece of work.

anonymous Jul 22, 2015 5:37am

OMG! I should not have read this in public. Side-splitting, cheek squinching belly laughter….. Cuz I been there. We all need to laugh about this!

anonymous Jul 18, 2015 11:28pm

This was delightful. And now I am going to go not do yoga..

anonymous Jul 16, 2015 8:36pm

omg. This is me. The horror! A playlist of queefing would certainly dull the pain.

    anonymous Jul 17, 2015 10:26am

    Erica! Too funny. I really think the playlist would help many people…

anonymous Jul 16, 2015 3:09am

Thank God it’s not just me!
(Tried commenting already but it didn’t work, so here I am again.)
Hilarious post! Found it on FB where it’s been shared by A LOT of queefers – I mean fellow yoga devotees – which just goes to show how funny and totally true this post is. I am fortunate/unfortunate in that my problem tends to be farts rather than queefs. Fortunate because they are much quieter and arguably more controllable, unfortunate because yes they stink. Thank God for incense. I even wrote my own post about it, possibly in an attempt to exorcise those demons: https://stillnotajournal.wordpress.com/2014/07/24/pavanamuktasana-my-brains-out/

    anonymous Jul 17, 2015 10:25am

    Thanks, Michelle! Love your share!

anonymous Jul 15, 2015 8:10am

I LOVE THIS!! I queefed REALLY loudly during a very intimidating (and silent) asana exam at my TTC in India, thus I would also add a sixth stage- uncontrollable, hysterical laughter – this was all despite the very wise and serious Indian yoga masters watching over me like I was having some kind of fit! One of my class mates, and Alexander Technique teacher, said the best way to prevent queefs during plough and shoulder stand is to contract the stomach muscles as you lift the legs…..as for three legged dog though, queef away yogi sister!

    anonymous Jul 17, 2015 10:25am

    Thank you, Becca! Oh my goodness! I LOVE your stage six. That sounds amazing. Thanks for sharing!!!

anonymous Jul 15, 2015 2:16am

Hahaha!!! Too funny 🙂

anonymous Jul 14, 2015 4:50am

Tampons. Done.

    anonymous Jul 17, 2015 10:24am

    Ha! Sadly, that backfired on me…

      anonymous Oct 7, 2015 3:38am

      Diva cup! Doesn’t let air pass AND doesn’t dry out your lady bits of you use it while not on your period!

Damián CL Nov 1, 2018 7:31pm

What does Kubler Ross have to do with anything? She was a fraud and ultimately a hippocrite. I'd wager she was even a saddist who disguised her saddism as her "life's work" (an irony in itself if there ever was one).

Mark LaPorta Jan 31, 2018 5:14pm

Pleasantly childish. What would the late Elizabeth Kubler Ross say?

Oh Sure I Can Oct 11, 2017 3:46am

Oh my goodness, I needed this more than you'll ever know. I felt so ugh, that I couldn't even do three legged dog without inhaling in air. The first time doing yoga after the kids and it happened I was like, WTF just happened? I'm deepening my practice and trying headstands and no matter how hard I tighten a mutha f-ing queef still slips out! Thank you for making me feel "normal"