Ever noticed that Romeo and Juliet, Gone With The Wind, and other great love stories take place in times of uncertainty, adversity, and change?
Whether it’s a holiday, natural disaster, or war, when we meet people during the unknown, it’s somehow easier to find your soul mate.
Here’s why, and how to do it safely in these times of lockdowns and social distancing.
On that fateful 12th of March, when lockdowns and social distancing were put in place all over the Netherlands, I too panicked and planned to go to the supermarket early next morning, texting a friend about whether we should cancel our ritual at the beach the next day. I couldn’t sleep.
But, the next morning, I realized two things: 1) the beach is actually a safe place to meet right now, and 2) as a mentor to female CEOs and other high achieving leaders, I have an obligation to show them why you don’t want to miss this opportunity.
This is a challenging time, and I wouldn’t have wished for it, but now that it’s here, let’s see why this is the best moment to find a soul mate and break free from meeting the wrong guys.
The “U” in Dating
When we associate dating with crowded bars, flirting, shifting through many, many men, and sex, then certainly it would be better to leave it now that governments ask us to join in on slowing down the speed with which COVID-19 is spreading. (Because remember, it’s not on the individual level that’s the problem, it’s needing to make sure those who need help get it if they get sick).
But truth is, that kind of dating doesn’t work for you as top-performing leader anyhow. It ends with boredom, being judged as intimidating, starting to question whether you bet on the wrong horse when you invested in your career, settling for the wrong guys with all the drama and pain that creates, or even giving up on dating altogether.
I’ve developed a radically different way to date, and for three years now, CEOs, doctors, lawyers, and other powerful career women have been applying it—often finding a soul mate and true love in less than eight weeks. And this turns out to be easily adapted to social distancing and avoiding large events, restaurants, and bars!
I sometimes call it Feminine Action. No more “pushing the man out of his masculinity,” but neither is it about dumbing down and forcing yourself to be passive. Instead, it’s about creating a space where the love can spark between you. And creating space is so feminine!
Let me use the framework of Otto Scharmer’s U-Theory to help you see how this works:
- Embody Abundance. Sense your body from within, especially your pelvis. Feel the abundance within you and your life. Discover your own unique energy (I’m often shocked women feel all kinds of energies, but have never consciously felt their own unique energy).
- Open Mind. Hold back on all those judgments your mind wants to paste onto him. Instead, radically shift your focus to the energy between you and feeling, expressing, and naming it. Say “yes” when you feel yes and “no” when you feel no. The energy will build and the date will come alive. Enjoy!
- Open Heart. Listen to her guidance, allow her warmth. With heart connection, the date earns depth. But the heart can also tell you if he is not what he seems. It begins with you coming out of hurt and daring to open your heart again.
- Open Will. Stop controlling, but also don’t give away your power. Receive the emerging future. The relationship is like an autonomous being, don’t force her, but trust her.
- Probing Actions. Take small steps in alignment with feelings, sensations, thoughts, and happenings. See how they are met, where they lead you. You’re on an adventure together!
- Rinse and Repeat. It’s like a cycle, over the period of the first minutes, the first date, the first week, and even over years. By going through the cycles, two things happen: 1) you discover quickly if the two of you fall out, and you can let him go, and 2) you build up “dating karma” quickly and within just a few dates and just a few weeks, your soulmate is there. You’ve created a relationship with him that keeps growing you and connecting you deeper year in, year out—through sweet and tough times.
What my clients see happening, is that this dating process isn’t linear—it’s exponential. Your growth attracts better men, and better men create more growth; quickly, you spiral out of stuckness and into meeting the men waiting for you.
How We Can Use This Now
Notice that I didn’t mention flirting, crowded bars, or shifting through lots of men or sex?
We do this framework almost naturally on holidays, and that’s why so many relationships begin on vacation:
- Embody Abundance: we lie on the beach, hike a mountain, surf the waves. Life is good, we’re in our body and feel abundant.
- Open Mind: we’re not thinking about our next deadline, everything is new, we’re open to new adventures and ready to give everyone a chance.
- Open Heart: we’re close to nature, far removed from our dear ones, and, with distance, we feel how much we care. Hurts go to the background and our heart opens.
- Open Will: we’re in a new surrounding, ready to meet the unknown, and we extend that to our meetings.
- Probing Action: we’ve got nothing to lose, might never meet him again, and say and do things we wouldn’t normally say or do!
“What if you thought of it
as the Jews consider the Sabbath—
the most sacred of times?
Cease from travel.
Cease from buying and selling.
Give up, just for now,
on trying to make the world
different than it is.
Sing. Pray. Touch only those
to whom you commit your life.
~ Lynn Ungar, Read the full poem here.
A few practical tips:
>> Much of this can be done online. One client of mine living in the Netherlands had an instant click with a man from Finland. Using this U-process, they connected soul, heart, and mind. Now, they’re happily together, living in Ireland, and have a daughter. Much can be learned from this, but certainly how using the U-process can become a big part of dating online.
>> With lockdowns in place: dating is one of the areas in life where “online” is already part of the culture. Bring your profile alive by giving specific examples (instead of “listening to music together” change it to “At 11 p.m. put on “You are Amazing” by Bruno Mars).
>> Don’t stress about which app to use, there are plenty of amazing men on all of them.
>> Have your first date be a video date. Use the U-process, and be amazed at the level of intimacy that is created. Remember to celebrate that with him too.
>> Instead of touch, imagine touch; feel the energy, and express through words, eyes, breath, and sound.
>> Eye connection is also a form of touch.
>> When lockdowns are (partially) lifted: have your dates be outside, in wide-open places in nature. Drive there by car.
>> Live or online: be okay with feeling awkward. Remember, it’s about meeting the unknown, and nobody knows what to do there.
Let our children remember us as the ones who turned a crisis into a time of love. Let’s make sure we gift ourselves love and intimate relationships, especially now.