I’m not a bad girl by any means.
I’m a good girl—somewhat predictable and steady—the solid kind. I might be a dreamer with my head in the clouds, but my feet are always planted on the earth with really stable and strong energy. I’m an “All or Nothing” kind of girl. (I think I deserve it.)
I’m not willing to negotiate those types of things. I want a family. I want to be a mom. I want to share that with someone just as loving and compassionate as me.
I’m not a thrill-seeker, and honestly, I might not even be all that exciting. I guess that’s okay. I don’t know why that makes me feel less than—because I’m not.
It’s interesting how our worth (or our lack of self-worth) creates these stories in our heads of how we should or shouldn’t be if we want to be wanted. I remember, in the past, I wanted those “exciting” types of people because of my trauma; it’s often what I was drawn toward.
But, now that I am healing, I have no interest in any of that. As soon as I let go of all my toxic traits, whether with myself or the people I dated, I somehow felt like I’d forfeited my attractiveness and desirability. I know it’s crazy, but tell that to my brain.
It’s funny how these patterns and neural pathways we have created can continue to tell us this. I’m well aware that none of those behaviors are actually “exciting.” I know they are disordered and incredibly toxic, yet there will still be times that the past programming I have been working on healing will kick in with a sense of familiarity—a sense of false comfort. It shows up when something suddenly pops up in my life that mirrors back the parts that still need to be healed.
No one tells you about the healing journey. They never talk about how you are still on these roller-coaster highs and lows with your emotions. One day you’re on top of your game and feeling entirely on track—inspired, fully recognizing your worth, and acknowledging how much progress you have made—the next minute, the slightest trigger sends you back into old cyclical patterns. The patterns that have worn deep grooves into your psyche send you spiraling down into deep shame.
Now you’re drowning in a sea of unworthiness and shame. You know the kind—the deep, gut-wrenching type of pain with loud, gasping sobs and endless tears that don’t seem to stop. But despite this pain, there is something different now; you don’t try to stop it or hide it. You don’t try to deny it or blame yourself for it. You’re now in a place where you have grace and compassion for yourself.
You allow it. You allow all of it—all of your dark shadow emotions. You sit with them and ask them why they’re there.
You speak to them and hold them and allow them to take up space.
This is where the difference is.
Just like a wounded child, you comfort her and nurture her in her time of need.
It doesn’t always feel like this. You certainly learn how to cope and react to triggers and heal the traumas so that you don’t continue to respond in the same ways. You tend not to sit in the dark for too long because now you are armed with maps and tools to help you back toward your light.
But these moments still appear no matter how far along on your journey you are. It all depends on what traumas you have healed and what triggers you have dealt with. I’ve learned how to use these moments (and my triggers) as a compass. I let it point me toward the darkness that still needs to be explored and put to rest.
So, I’m still here, a good five years into my healing, and I’ve hit a rough patch or a plateau of sorts. Maybe it’s because of the pandemic; maybe it’s because I was sick with COVID-19 and stuck at home alone for three months; maybe it’s because of unresolved unrequited love.
My entire life is in limbo, so who knows?
I seem to be reacting to specific triggers a little more than usual.
So, what do we do when these things happen?
>> Journaling is a great way to sort out our emotions. We can do this in many different ways, whether it’s with writing intentions, gratitude writing, question asking, and story writing. However you choose to journal is good and will work for you.
>> Seeing a therapist is helpful. (And speaking to a good friend.)
>> Getting some movement going in your body to move the energies, whether it’s just swaying in your room, yoga, a stroll, or some full-on dancing. Just moving your body at all helps a great deal.
>> Staying hydrated.
>> Energy healing.
>> Listen to music.
>> Sing. Draw. Paint. Write.
>> Detach from social media.
>> Practicing mindfulness and being in the present moment.
>> Take a nap.
>> Cuddle your companion animals.
All of these tools will help you navigate through the storms toward calmer waters. The point is to allow, sift, and sort through these emotions, not discarding them for the value that they hold. They can help us to see where we want to find our joy and how we already have.
So, I might still be sifting and sorting through all these emotions at times, and I might still not be clear about what steps I need to take next; I might waver on my visions and convictions on occasion, and I might pause and delay with fear sometimes. But despite all of that, I still am continuously uncovering parts of me—who I really am.
I get to show up in all of those ways.
Sure, I might not be exciting and tantalizing to some, maybe not even desirable to others, but none of that means that I am not desirable, fascinating, valuable, or worthy.
I am worthy because of all of my blubbering emotions, predictable Virgo habits, logical and practical brain, and methods.
I am worthy because of my expansive, magical spirit that dives deep within the waters.
I am worthy because of my quirky and silly humor that can quickly turn dry, pervy, and sarcastic.
My independent loner self who likes strolls in the forest, and long country drives on my own.
Me, with the heart and courage of a lion that’s overflowing with so much love and nurturing that I want to give to my children.
Me, with an infinite supply of hope that never seems to dry out no matter how dim things seem to get.
These are the things that are me.
And it might not be someone’s cup of tea, but it will be exactly the perfect cup of tea for the right person. In all of this mess that is me, I am brave; I am loving; I am kind, compassionate, sweet, gentle, and good; I am fierce, strong, wild, and powerful.
My spirit burns bright with all the goodness that God has gifted me. I’m proud that I can show up authentically and allow myself to be vulnerable. When we share these parts of ourselves, we can connect with others and show that we are more the same than we are different. We need that now more than ever, and it is through our healing and vulnerability that we can see how similar we actually are.
When we perceive ourselves as separate—an “us versus them” narrative—it highlights our deeply rooted feelings of unworthiness. It isn’t just something in you or me. It’s in everyone.
When we tear down others, we are allowing ourselves to temporarily quell the fears and shame we are harboring within ourselves. This is why doing our own healing helps to shift everyone else’s energy, and we become a beacon of light to help others on their journey—our long, messy, and all over the place healing journey.
I share to guide others toward their own light. So we can love all the parts that we have denied, the parts that we have been so ashamed of and never see the light of day.
I share so you can show them to the world and not worry about what they think.
I share so you know that some days will be harder than others and that’s okay, and that you’re so much stronger than you think.
I share so you know that you are not alone in those feelings of unworthiness, and you are certainly not sentenced to a lifetime of holding onto them.
I share so you know that if they creep up on you again, you have an army to help you capture those demons. But also to let you know that your demons are not bad.
Our dark can be the most significant gift. When we dive in and go through our darkness, we can truly discover our light.
And let me tell you, there is literally nothing more powerful, joyful, and rewarding than that. I want that for all of us. I’m rooting for us.
I hope this finds you well and that you are also taking the steps toward your own healing journey. Start embracing all those wild and magical parts of yourself—the dark and the light ones.
And remember, you are whole and complete and perfect, just as you are. You are so worthy.