“I can’t stop thinking about him/her.”
“I can’t get over him/her.”
I strongly believe we have all experienced this kind of relationship in our lives—for some of us, it has been more than once.
This unrequited love becomes our own little prison of pining, and it starts to border on the obsessive. Some of us go as far as panicking that our beloved is the only one who can make us feel better.
Breakups and feelings of hurt and longing are normal.
The healing phase can take days, weeks, months, or even years. But when we start to cross over into the realm of the spiraling thoughts—where it becomes all-consuming—there’s a much deeper reason for it.
When we pedestal another person and think, “They’re my one and only,” there is often a wound or a need underneath this longing—something that hasn’t been met within us.
There are many reasons why a partner might unconsciously represent something for us:
>> They can represent a type of love, validation, or acceptance we are looking for.
>> They can represent someone from our past—possibly a parent who didn’t show up for us the way we needed them to.
>> They can also represent a type of quality, characteristic, or energy, which we don’t believe we could embody.
That said, the real reason we might not get over our ex is because they represent something we feel we lack.
It often has little to do with the other person and more about what we wish we had, or could become—these bring up difficult feelings. Instead of looking inward, we project all our own unfulfilled potential onto another person.
Heartbreak blinds us with superficial pain when, in fact, the problem is more than just a broken heart—it’s a life that’s unfulfilled.
The good news, though, is that once we gain this awareness, we can separate ourselves from this person. We can start addressing our unmet needs and bring ourselves back to a space of cultivating that potential and happiness from within—not from the outside, and without being dependent on someone else.
This requires raw honesty, and it’s going to hurt like a b*tch.
We have to have the willingness to plunge headfirst into the darkness of the situation and tackle the beast with the same ferocity we spend on pining. Let’s redirect our energy to where it is welcomed—with ourselves.
It has to be the truth we are trying to avoid. Remember “He’s Just Not That Into You”? It was a revelation and something so many of us had been avoiding because it felt too hard to have to admit that to ourselves.
Once we take the blinders off, there is only one path to travel—the one we forge for ourselves to start living the life we want.
Here are some questions we can ask ourselves to gain more clarity:
>> What is the need that I want to be fulfilled? Is it love, comfort, or do I need this person to validate me?
>> Does this person and relationship offer me any kind of solution to the unmet need? Do they make me feel safe, valued, and respected?
>> Who does this person remind me of? My absent father or my controlling mother? Is there a family trauma connection that I am projecting onto this person?
>> What are my fears and insecurities in regards to how I am living my life? (This is a tough one, so go deep, ocean-depth kind of deep. Really delve into what you are afraid of and what you feel is lacking within yourself or your life.)
>> What can I do that will bring me happiness—even if only for a short time to start with—that has nothing to do with my ex?
>> If I’m feeling anxious, who can I rely on to give me honest, soothing feedback, or even better, how can I self-soothe through this current feeling of anxiety?
Remind yourself that you are deserving of all the good things this life can offer and that pain is a question that demands an answer. In that answer, you are gifted with the solution.
Recognize it, process it, release it, and then make changes.
It’s terribly cliché, but it truly does all come down to you and the choices you make—strive to make good ones.