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December 31, 2020

A Letter to my Broken Self: Stop Losing Yourself by Loving Someone who does not See You.

Dear Me,

I know it’s been a while since I talked with you. Since I looked at you with those loving eyes, appreciating you in the mirror: the way you smile, the way your hair smells after that long shower, the way you shine in that pretty blue dress, which is your favorite, and most importantly, the way you felt the love toward yourself.

I know I haven’t appreciated you and talked with you enough in a while because I was too busy losing myself loving someone else who never cared to see my worth. For all those lost times, I want to just apologize to you today.

It took me a heartbreak and a prolonged state of desolation to realize that I left you when all I had promised was to be with you. Because in the end, our own self is all we got, isn’t it?

I remember how I used to give you a small motivational speech in the mirror whenever you got fewer marks in examination, or whenever someone scolded you, and you felt bad, or whenever you had that fight with your best friend and all you wanted to do was just cry while looking in the mirror and later appreciate how pretty your eyes looked after all those tears that you shed.

But out of all those times, I know you need me the most today, and so here I am. Though I arrived late to rescue you, it took me a while to realize that no therapist, friends, or family could rescue you the way I would. Because remember, Freud always said, “My love is something valuable to me, which I ought not to throw away without reflection,” and that’s the exact reason why I am here today to rescue you.

To be honest, I know it’s heartbreaking and soul-crushing when nothing seems to work in your favor and when everything falls apart at the same time. But tell me, how much control do we as humans have over anything? You did all you could, and no, it is not your fault that the things turned out the way they shouldn’t have. You tried, and by that, you already won.

Many people do not even try. And winning does not mean you reach the finishing line—that’s what society tells us, but no, that is not what winning always means. A lot of time, winning means to make an effort and work to reach the finishing line.

And it’s okay if you do not reach it; at least you did not stand staring at the finishing line. Your victories are numerous—oh, dear me. Your victories are those days when you cannot pull yourself out of bed, but you still do on the days when putting on a smile is hard, so you go into the public washroom and cry your heart out, and the next moment you are on a bus giving a smile to that little kid. On the days when you just do not feel like talking to anyone, but if a friend reaches out to you for help, and you are there for them—these are your victories.

Being vulnerable is courageous, honey. Anyone who ever left you because they thought you were vulnerable and too much to deal with was weak. There is nothing wrong with you. Not everyone has the strength to accept their flaws and vulnerability, to face their fears and come out stronger every time—but you have that strength in you, and there are still people who believe in you.

Do not let any setback of life—be it a professional or a relationship setback—define your worth. You are enough the way you are, for what you are. And the fact that you are learning and trying to grow from each experience of your life already makes you a winner.

Look, dear me, anyone or anything that chooses to leave you for come what may be the reason, let it go. You cannot force people to stay. You cannot force anything. It’s all destiny’s weird play. Whatever is going to be yours will eventually find its way and will never ever lower its vibration—and that is exactly how you will know that it is meant for you.

I know exactly how you feel. You gave away your world to someone at the cost of losing your own self in that process, expecting nothing but a reciprocation of that love in return, but honey, people do not always love us the way we love them, and that is exactly why most of us at some point get our hearts broken. But you know what? Broken hearts are beautiful too.

Fighting all this shatter and desolation with so much strength and working to overcome it makes you no less than a fighter in true spirit. Trust me, you are going to mend yourself again, and you are already working on mending yourself again. And once you are done mending yourself, you are going to be the prettiest and strongest Kintsugi one will ever know.

Oh, dear me, anyone losing you is their loss and anyone having you is sure their blessing. You are like art: you don’t only look beautiful, but you make people feel their emotions.

So, let this pain be the reason for you to shine brighter and roar more loudly. Let this pain make you what you have stopped yourself from making because you were too busy fitting into someone’s idea of good, beautiful, and perfect. Let this pain sink into you so much that it brings out nothing but the best in you. Do not let this pain hurt you, but let this pain push you to be nothing but stronger. Let this pain make you more kind, empathetic, compassionate, and loving. Let this pain act as a catalyst to help you be the best version of yourself.

And I promise that this time, I will keep my promise of being there for you and for loving you no matter what. I promise to make you and your happiness my priority, and I promise I will never lose you while loving someone else.

I promise I won’t ever let you settle for anything less than what you deserve, and I promise I will never let you shed a single tear for someone who wasn’t worth enough to know your worth.

I wish you nothing but happiness.

With love and admiration,

Yours truly,

Me.

~

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