I can no longer ignore the fact that my relationship ended.
Over this last year, my journey has been full of grief, anger, pain, holding on, letting go, projection, detachment, and hopelessness. I have also experienced healing, forgiveness, acceptance—reclaimed my hope and power.
As my relationship ended, all of my trauma, wounds of abandonment, rejection, and unworthiness surfaced. I cried often; I felt as if an important part of me had been amputated. I would wake up and realize what had happened. Morning after morning, I would feel the echo of a shock to my system and remember he was no longer there.
When we first met, I realized just how much I wanted a life partner. I wished to be with a man until the end. We moved in together and became a family with his children, of whom I shared a deep love.
He was the perfect repetition of what I had previously experienced with family in this lifetime, and in several lifetimes before. We had a well-functioning trauma bond and my intuition told me we would not be together long.
Even while loving each other deeply, the relationship was unhealthy due to negative patterns. I didn’t see that I was trapped in my own dynamic.
I lost myself in pretending and trying to make the relationship work.
I wanted him to give me worth, and the more I tried to be the perfect woman, the worse it became.
Deep pain was followed by anger and blame.
I wanted to be loved, respected, and seen. I wanted him to work harder to see the value of our connection.
But I had to let go of what I had hoped to experience with him. I pretended to be somebody I was not. I considered taking the time to try and heal him, avoiding my own healing.
It didn’t work out.
I wished for another kind of “being together” based on mutual commitment and respect.
I have grown this year and met many beautiful souls, and my gifts are blooming. I am protected on every level with rich support. I have glimpsed how it feels to have the home I searched for all my life.
I am awakening to the patterns of my belief systems—integrating and healing them.
I must follow the way of my soul and take care of myself.
I still have moments when I miss him with every cell of my being. But, I now know that he did me a favor.
When I recently saw him with his new wife, it was hard and painful. But he’s chosen a form of living that is not at all what I want to experience in a relationship.
When I think of him, I allow all thoughts to come. I need time to let him go. I have moments when I wish him the best. I have moments when I wish him to wake up. I have moments when I wish him the worst.
We had a karmic relationship. We had an appointment to meet in this lifetime. We had a soul contract to finish.
He was an important part of my healing and reconnection.
I wish to be happy and aware—following my path without making another detour. I know I will experience another deeply important relationship in this lifetime. The growing journey brings me back to who I am.
I am grateful; a cycle has closed and a new one begins.
I am free to be happy and it is all up to me.