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April 16, 2021

I Survived the Darkest Night of my Life. 

Darkest Night

I sometimes think about writing down my thoughts for everyone to see my raw emotional experiences that would help other people.

There’s a fine line between telling your darkest personal story and doing your best to establish a positive outcome out of a negative situation.

I’m not an open book. In fact, by definition, I am closed off to the world, and I feel alone in a lot of ways—pretty much all the time.

But I am not looking for sympathy, either.

There was a period in my life where a series of events pushed me so far into the darkness—into a void that I truly could not see a way out of. I was so enveloped in the blackest of nights that even during the day, there was no light that I could see.

It was and still is incredibly hard to look back on; it still fills my heart with fear.

There were many nights when I sat in silence while feeling that the world had turned its back on me. Like I was rejected and abhorred by the human race—a feeling I still, sometimes, have today. This eternal feeling of not being good enough for anyone or anything. It’s such a tough situation to describe in any real detail.

The darkness eventually won.

As I sat there, I opened my front door to the world I believed I would see for the very last time. I stepped one bare foot outside onto the cold night’s grass, took a deep breath in, shut the door behind me, and didn’t look back.

This next part may be triggering, so please read with caution.

I want to describe the feelings I had in that moment, because it’s important that I paint an accurate picture of what it was like for me.

I rushed to my kitchen. I was set on a destructive course that I knew wouldn’t change. My mind was set; my objective was crystal clear.

As I held the blade, I broke down with tears drenching my face—rolling down my chin onto the top part of my shirt. And as I pulled the knife away, my breath got heavier to the point of hyperventilation.

On the inside, I was screaming for help. But the screams went into a void where I knew no one could ever hear.

I collapsed on the floor, crying hard—knowing my life was fading away as my vision turned to black…

I woke up in the emergency ward. A neighbor had seen me through the window and called for help. I could’ve not been here, but here I am.

My recovery was slow, but that’s a different story to tell. The point of telling you about the darkest night of my life is this:

From this scene, from this action, and from my visit to the darkest parts of the human mind came hope.

I have been given a second chance. And although I still keep many things to myself, I have been living with no regrets.

I’ve been helping people, traveling, and wasting not even a second looking back on things. I’ve tried to remain positive—always looking for the best in people, even if there isn’t any.

You cannot waste a single second of your life. If you’re in a situation you don’t like, change it.

If you want to reach a goal, accomplish it.

If you want to tell the man/woman you love how you feel, then do it.

You may not get a chance tomorrow…

Don’t waste time; don’t be alone. Talk, reach out, live, and love.

 

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