Find it difficult to orgasm? You’re not alone.
But you can definitely learn to have an orgasm.
If you want to know how, it’s important to know the answer to the question: how does an orgasm happen?
Yes, orgasms can be mind-blowing, but thinking of them as something mind-boggling can make it even more difficult for those who already struggle to orgasm.
Orgasms aren’t magical
As a sex therapist, an important part of my job is busting myths about sex, sexuality, and relationships. One of the biggest myths is this concept that orgasms are mysterious occurrences that we cannot control.
This is partly true; it can feel like we have no control over our climax. Lots of people struggle with coming before they want to, not having an orgasm as quickly as they’d like to, or not coming at all.
The reality is, however, orgasms aren’t a mystery—they’re the result of several processes in your mind and body.
Here are a few of them:
Orgasms are the peak of pleasure
Orgasms are usually referred to as a climax—and not just because orgasms may feel incredibly pleasurable—it’s because they actually are a climax of sorts.
Think of orgasms as the outcome of a sexual buildup. In order for orgasms to happen, the sexual stimulation you’re receiving, whether from a partner, a sex toy, or yourself, starts to build toward a climax. When this stimulation is repeated for varying amounts of time, the climax will start to build.
If you have difficulty orgasming during sex, make sure you’re not switching up your technique while you’re mid-climb. This can throw off your orgasm completely. Steady stimulation will get you there.
Orgasms aren’t just the result of the right physical stimulation. They’re a combination of both physical and mental stimulation.
Orgasms are about the brain
Your genitals aren’t your primary sexual organs—your brain is. This is where the magic happens, where your desire for sex is created, and it also needs to be stimulated in order for you to climax.
Needing to be turned on in order to have an orgasm might sound obvious, but a lot of clients I see who struggle to orgasm seem to miss this crucial part. It’s easy to get ideas stuck in your head about having to come or taking too long to come. These un-sexy thoughts quickly remove any sexual stimulation from your brain so your sex drive plummets.
In order to stimulate your brain, you’ve got to find what turns you on. Do certain sounds do it? Fantasies you can play out in your head, or right there in bed with a partner? Are there toys, aides, or gadgets that can make sex more exciting? Whatever it is and even if it’s multiple things, use whatever you like to ensure that you are fully turned on. When you are, and when you have steady stimulation, orgasms become easy.
But, you also need the third piece: toned PC muscles.
Orgasms are about the pelvic floor
PC-what? Your PC muscles, or your pelvic floor muscles, are several muscles that stretch from your tailbone to your pubic bone, making up a kind of hammock of muscles.
When arousal is building up, whether it’s through mental and physical stimulation, these muscles are getting ready to do a serious workout. When you reach the climax of pleasure, they go through a series of involuntary contractions. This is believed to be part of why orgasms feel so good.
And the longer and more intensely they contract, the longer and more intense your orgasm can become.
In order for your pelvic floor muscles to do this, they need to be toned. So, if you’re finding it hard to climax, focus on this important piece of the puzzle.
The three-part puzzle
So no, orgasms aren’t magical—and that’s a good thing. It means you can have one by learning the three important steps involved:
>> Toning your pelvic floor muscles so they can contract quickly enough during your orgasm
>> Work to make sure your brain is turned on and you’re experiencing strong sexual desire, building toward a climax
>> Using the same steady physical stimulation, once you get on track to coming
Now you know how orgasms happen—what will you be working on first to get there?