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I know you were drowning your own demons, but you confused my attachment system when you did so.
I wish I could forgive you.
I wish I could say, “it’s okay.”
I can’t seem to though.
The pain is too great.
They say time heals all wounds, but this one never healed.
It shows up when I must read a children’s book at work or play with dolls.
It shows up every time I want to lean in and hug someone but find myself twisting and turning and standing frozen like a dear in headlights.
I want to date this woman but I’m frozen.
Instead of lean into it, I push and pull and push and pull some more.
I am anything but calm.
I am scared—scared one day that I will want to drown these demons too.
She’s beautiful you know.
This woman is gorgeous.
I want to know her.
I want this to work this time.
Gosh, she’s so beautiful.
I don’t want her to know.
To know about these wounds.
To know about these demons.
I want to be normal.
Whatever normal is.
I just want to smile.
To be loved.
To hold her hand.
To feel her lips on mine.
I want this without the demons.
I want to be happy.
I want all this happiness and more.
I’ve been feeling up for weeks now but I know the down feeling is lurking.
It always is.
I know your demons were too much for you, but I’m still angry.
I just want to be “normal,” but I’m not.
I don’t just cry these days. I wail like an infant.
This woman can’t know this.
She can’t know that I struggle.
She asked me tonight about my childhood and I felt tears well up in my eyes. I tried to avoid the topic, but she asked more.
Surprisingly, she didn’t leave.
Instead, she leaned in more.
She had warmth in her eyes.
She looked concerned and then out of nowhere, she hugged me through her phone.
Maybe she is safe.
Maybe she is okay with me and my demons.
Maybe this could work.
Maybe I should try and hug my “demons” too instead of trying to drown them.
Yes, maybe this is the answer.
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