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Look, I’m like a lot of people: I have a beautifully stocked bookshelf with classic literature—some of which I haven’t even read—expensive guitars to play, blank notebooks to journal in, and even access to numerous well-produced foreign films, and yet I think nothing of forsaking all of these options on a Sunday afternoon for the mere pleasure of scrolling through Facebook on my phone and getting pissed off at the absurdity it brings into my life.
I really don’t understand why I do it. It’s a lot like getting back together with a crazy ex. You know what the end result is going to be, but you do it anyway.
Perhaps it’s an inexplicable form of masochism that’s now just part of our silly modern era.
Regardless, Facebook has 2.8 billion users worldwide, and with an audience like that, it only follows that you are going to be subjected to—well to put it as politely as I can—something other than witty thrust and parry. As a matter of fact, one might even refer to it as abject stupidity.
I have compiled a list of 10 such grievances, as I am apt to do, for your entertainment and edification.
So I present to you, dear reader, 10 things people do on Facebook that make me want to drop out of the human race and go live in a cave:
1. Posting Memes that Say “Read That Again”
Most of us have attended and graduated college by our early 20s. Of course, I don’t know what you studied, but my courses had me memorizing portions of “The Waste Land” by T.S. Eliot and learning enough Middle English to understand The Canterbury Tales. I don’t need to read “Don’t allow loneliness to lower your standards” twice. Truth be told, I’m kind of upset with myself that I read it once. I hate to rain on people’s parades, but there is nothing poignant or profound about this phrase. Go ahead, call me a snob. I can take it.
2. Melodramatic Vaguebooking
You know what I’m talking about. You thumb down the screen and the post appears: “You see this is what always happens to me. At some point, enough is enough. I just can’t do it anymore.” Can’t do what, pray tell? Crochet? Breathe? Eat couscous? Should we call a psychologist on your behalf? Or a housekeeper? To me this is tantamount to friendship click-bait. It’s like, “Come on, if you want to know what’s really going on with Jessica, you’re just going to have to DM her.” No thanks.
3. Posting on my Timeline
Holy sh*t, this drives me crazy. If you are my friend on Facebook, you might notice I don’t post asinine memes on my page. This is not because I don’t know how. It’s because I have a measure of self-respect that does not lend itself to posting a picture of a cat eating a chef salad. I won’t judge you if you find that pertinent enough to put on your page. Go right ahead. If you want to send it to me on messenger, fine. But post it on my page, and you can assume I’m internally calling you names that aren’t very nice. And then I’m “hiding” it, because God forbid I delete it and lose one of my precious 1,027 friends.
4. Posting Performative Gallantry
Yes, I’m sure that we have all seen the extraordinarily young and good looking father with the perfectly manicured beard and the $500 peacoat “holding space” for his beautiful, blonde-haired toddler in Walmart who happens to be throwing the cutest of tantrums. What a wonderfully emotionally evolved and empathetic dad! Not only do we have to see videos like this hundreds of times when they go viral, we also get subjected to the caption essays that gush over how all men should follow this gallant example of exquisite parenting. Although, I can’t help feeling that if the guy was so altruistic, perhaps he wouldn’t orchestrate a taping session followed by the uploading of such drivel on YouTube. If you count yourself among those who think that is sincere, you might consider bringing someone with you next time you buy a car.
5. Posting Screenshots from Unrequited Admirers
Yes, we get it. You’re just posting this because “you think it’s funny.” Except that’s not really why you’re posting it. You want everyone to see how much attention you are receiving from potential suitors. If someone is inept and desperate enough to DM a stranger to profess their undying attraction to them, chances are they have enough problems without someone making a public mockery of them. We get it. You’re hot. People want you. As John Mayer said, “Congratulations about your face.”
6. Posting “To the guy in the red car who just sped past my house and caused my Cockapoo to bark”
I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that the guy in the red car is not going to see this. You know who is going to see this? Me. I didn’t speed past your house and make your Cockapoo bark. Why am I reading this? It’s just not fair.
7. Posting Banal Life Updates
Yes, we are all aware of the fact that Facebook originally called them “status updates,” but truth be told, we’ve evolved as a society. I have a real problem with these kinds of posts. “Hot chocolate, a rainy Sunday, Mr. Fluffins, and my new copy of Wuthering Heights. THIS is what life is about.” I have news for you, Brittany—no it’s not.
8. Posting a Private Message Publicly
How can I put this without seeming ageist? Many of our Facebook compadres who were in high school when The Beatles were still together haven’t entirely mastered some of the finer nuances of social media. In cases such as this, you might see a post like, “KAITLYN CAN YOU CALL ME PLEASE I NEED YOUR BROTHERS PHONE NUMBER.” Umm…see that button in the top right hand corner that looks like a cartoon talk bubble? Maybe you should click on that. Just a thought.
9. Posting Cranky “Get off my lawn” Memes
Yes, we know inflation is high. Gas prices are high. The Taliban this. Joe Biden that. Yes, yes—we get it. The world was in much better shape last year. I mean, as long as you weren’t Black or Brown or Asian or an immigrant or a veteran or homeless or…
10. Humble Bragging
Yes, we all know how exasperating it can be to be asked for ID to purchase wine when you’re 40 years old, but do you really think anyone believes that you are just complaining about what an inconvenience you’ve been subjected to? No. Everyone knows that you want them to know how wonderfully all of that 111Skin is working on you. And I guess if you are going to spend $150 on face cream, you deserve something. My precious time on Earth may not be what you deserve, though. Remember I mentioned the cartoon bubble in the right hand corner. Yeah, that.
So there you have it. I suppose, in my own small way, this too has a bit of a “get off my lawn” vibe to it, but I have a feeling that more people will agree than disagree.
Feel free to blow me up in the comments below though. Or better yet: post this on Facebook with a caption that says, “This guy is such a jerk.”