You have her attention and now she has yours.
You’re falling in love with her (yes, that’s what’s happening) and you sense a change.
You know she’s deciding if she’s going to continue to water this garden, or move on. You know she’s going to tell you soon because that’s how she is.
You suddenly feel the need to say or do something—but what?
The question running through your mind is: How can I keep her in my life?
If you’re the right one, the answer is simple. If not, the answer is: You can’t.
1. Make your personal growth your utmost priority.
She is a whole person and wants another whole person. She will not be your better half, your quarter, or even your third. She needs someone who has worked on themselves. That means you’ve done more than read a few “self-help” books. You’ve delved into your childhood in painstaking detail during counseling. You know what it means to ease into the discomfort. And because you’ve done all this work, you have compassion for yourself, which means you’ll have compassion for her. (And others, but it really is all about her at the moment.)
2. Understand that emotional intimacy is as important as physical intimacy.
Don’t get me wrong, when you’re together, she wants you to touch her. Often. Hug, kiss, caress, and massage her, in the kitchen, on the porch, in the car, everywhere. Hold her hand. Come up behind her when she least expects it and put your arms around her and kiss her neck gently.
But just as important, call and text her. Send her emails and pictures. Share your life with her and respond when she shares hers. Have long conversations with her over dinner, by the fire, or as you take a stroll or sit on a park bench. Your lives should intertwine as much as your bodies. Don’t barrage her with messages or smother her; she needs space and has to attend to matters outside of you, but she wants to know you care about more than her skin. It will make her feel wanted.
You need to connect deeply with her—on all levels.
3. Accept her for who she is.
Seek to know her innermost being and accept her in her many forms. Don’t criticize or try to change her, but kindly help her grow. Don’t expect her to lower her expectations. They may be high, but they are realistic. She will be erratically spontaneous, but she will plan for every imaginable outcome at the same time. She will be that balance of practical and so f*cking not. She will know sometimes exactly what she wants or doesn’t want, and sometimes she’ll be clueless and want you to make the call.
Roll with her. She’ll do the same for you.
4. Be open with her. If you want to be with her, be with her.
If you want to do something together, tell her. That doesn’t mean she’ll agree, but don’t pussyfoot. Tell her how you’re feeling. Be assertive, and for the love of everything holy, don’t be passive-aggressive. She doesn’t have time for that shit. Don’t be overly cautious. She’s not a porcelain doll and relationships need to learn to bend without breaking. She needs transparency from you.
So if you want to keep her in your life, at least to explore this thing further, ask yourself:
Is growth my priority? If not, can I make it so? (If yes…)
Am I willing to work on that physical and emotional connection? (If yes…)
Do I like who she really is, not who I think she is or want her to be? (If yes…)
Then tell her.
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Author: Celeste Shea
Editor: Emily Bartran