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August 7, 2020

For the Women with Daddy Issues: It’s Not Your Fault.

You are not unlovable—you are worthy of love and affection, truly.

By now, it probably seems easy and natural to always be searching for the acceptance of a man. To feel as though you need to be more—more of what they want and more of what they need in order for you to be loved.

You begin to play a character—one that allows you to protect yourself from anybody actually seeing inside of your heart and getting to know you. You act as if you are disinterested. You might even be telling yourself that you don’t need a man.

You could be finding yourself attracted to men who say they love you, but who are not able to be with you. Men who are emotionally unavailable or don’t want a relationship, and men who are not able to show up in a way that you desire.

It’s a repeating cycle of getting hurt by the words they say. It’s sad because they are not being able to give you the validation you desperately want.

You blame yourself. You tell yourself that “you’re still not good enough.”

Maybe you are subconsciously looking for emotionally unavailable men because you are the same. You find comfort in emotionally unavailable partners because it allows you to predict what will happen—there won’t be any surprises when they leave, and it will certainly release you from the need to actually open up.

You won’t have to show your heart or your pain. You already know they’re leaving, so you don’t have to get attached. You almost feel safe in these relationships. 

You are just looking for love in places that seem natural. Relationships that emulate the love you received from the most influential man in your life. You’re always clinging to the fact that you need to be more impressive, prettier, smarter, and more of whatever that man needs, all in the hope that they will just love you, even if a little.

Do you believe me when I tell you that you don’t have anything to prove? You don’t need to search for the validation of your father through other men. You don’t need to do anything more than be yourself.

You only deserve the man who will fall in love with all that you are—scars, emotions, love, and all.

The pain of repeating a relationship after another and always wanting and begging for a different result hurts. You want to feel loved, needed, and desired. You only need a man to hug you, tell you they love you, and that they won’t leave.

The pain reaches its peak when you realise that you have no grip, no control over that man. You know that when he leaves you, you will be devastated all over again.

You feel as though you will never be good enough. That you just aren’t meant for love, you aren’t deserving or worthy of the love that your heart longs for.

It’s time to release yourself from the pain your father was in. He wasn’t able to love you the way you needed to be loved—he wasn’t able to show up for you. But not because you did anything wrong, not because you weren’t good enough, and surely not because you were anything less than perfect. But only because he was unable to show up for himself. He was not able to trust himself enough to love you or to care for you. Consequently, he left.

To him, that may have been a better choice, but to you, all you saw was the pain. The thoughts of not being worthy of his love. The discomfort that is caused by opening up to any man. You feel your walls rising and the shield building around your heart, as you aren’t sure if you could trust that the next man wouldn’t also leave you.

This isn’t who you are. Your father does not define you or your worth.

He is not in control; you are.

You get to decide. You get to choose. You can release the pain that he has passed down to you. Choose to love, to be loved, and to fall deeper into life with only fresh eyes.

Choose to see each man in your life separate from your past experience. They don’t mean to hurt you, trigger you, or cause you pain. They don’t understand you or your pain because you haven’t been able to let them in enough for them to learn about that part of you.

You push them away with your walls, your distrust, and your defensiveness. You ask them to prove to you that they love you, causing both of you pain.

You have the right to love, to be vulnerable, and to open up to a man who wants to see your heart. You deserve a man who wants to allow you to heal and wants nothing more than for you to trust him.

You no longer have to tell yourself or others that the men in your life aren’t that important to you. You know they are, and that’s okay. It’s okay to love. It’s okay to desire another’s affection—we all do, and it’s safe.

You can do it. I believe in you because I know how deeply you desire this love. I know how much you wish you could release your fear.

Now is the time to be that woman, to stand up, and be you. To let your guard down and accept your past, as well as your present moment. Accept your thoughts, feelings, and wounds. Own them, be vulnerable, let those men in, and let them touch your heart because they are not your father. They do not all intend to leave you unless you push them away.

Forgive yourself for all that you have been through.

Your pain is your teacher and your connections are your lessons. You are perfect and are exactly where you are meant to be.

You are lovable, worthy, and damn, girl, you are beautiful.



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Moorea Oliver  |  Contribution: 35,675

author: Moorea Oliver

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Editor: Elyane Youssef