September 17, 2020

Dear Mom, I Forgive You (& I Love You).

We might not be close, but we have a special bond. 

We might not get along at times,

but you have always been the one—the one who believed in me.

You believed in me even before I was born.

You trusted that I would be great.

And you let me have this precious life though it was no easy plight. 

You were still right 

because here I am succeeding, and you always said 

everything is gonna be alright.

You told me that I would be great when I couldn’t see it.

I don’t even know what made you believe it.

The picture couldn’t have been seen on paper.

You believed in me, but I don’t know if you even believed in yourself.

We did what we could, 

and we went through rough times, 

but there’s still memories of joy that cross through my mind.

We created a friendship that was put to the test.

You called in help when you weren’t at your best.

I know that was hard for you, and sometimes you felt really bad,

but you always knew we were in good hands.

Thank you—you made my dreams come true. 

When you started thinking of you, you were in so much pain, 

I know. 

I was there for so much; I saw the mornings when you couldn’t get out of bed at all.

Your cough was so bad—I was always afraid.

“I love my mommy, please don’t stay sick,” I would say.

The days that you worked until you bled just to sleep a few hours and do it again. 

You attracted the worst and the best. 

You were never without friends.

There was always room for more in your nest.

You can look back now and see that they didn’t all have your best interest in mind,

but everything is seen more clearly 

after enough time.

Now you have your own back, and I am so proud. 

Please forgive yourself, Mom, because I know you are sorry.

It was a long time ago, and we have grown up fine.

It might seem like I don’t forgive you because I remember the times we went through, 

I remember my pain and my stories and your parents, but that doesn’t take away my love for you.

I love you is what I am trying to say. 

Every day I am so proud of you. 

I know what it took for you to get here. 

I see all the work that you’ve done with great care.

And life isn’t over; it’s still not easy,

but remember that you did prove yourself. 

You’ve always been so powerful and strong, 

a magnetic force who cried when I was born.

We have a confusing relationship, and at times, I’ve been patronizing. 

I’m sorry about that.

You aren’t the only one who’s made mistakes, and I know that. 

Just remember when you guilt trip me 

about being far away, 

that is not your relationship with me. 

You don’t need to say that,

or try to rewrite the past. 

You were the one who believed in me and said that I could fly, 

so please don’t try to pull me out of the sky. 

I’m glad that you’re happy, and I know you want me to see,

and get back some of that time you think we need, 

but I’m telling you that nothing could make me love you more. 

You have nothing more to prove. 

You showed you could love yourself, and I just want that to grow. 

I love you so much more than you know.

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