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If you’re feeling suicidal, don’t worry, you are not alone.
I always thought I was so special and terrified to tell anyone that I had experienced suicidal thoughts and ideations. I was also ashamed and embarrassed to even admit I had attempted and spent time in a psychiatric hospital.
I realized my silence and shame perpetrated my depression, further isolated me, and made my symptoms worse. I also realized that my silence served no one.
The one thing I am super proud of being terrible at is trying to kill myself. I am so grateful that I have never succeeded and have survived. Now, years later, after hard work and dedication to my physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health, I am in a place where I can speak about it.
This is why I don’t think you should kill yourself:
Reason #1: You are meant for something greater.
Feeling suicidal is a feeling—and all our feelings are temporary.
I get it—it can be all-consuming because, let’s get real, not everyone can identify with this feeling, but I want you to know it is real. Also, most people are not comfortable talking about suicide because I believe it makes us think about our own mortality, and that scares us.
I want you to know that you are capable, and you can overcome and manage this feeling.
Even at this point in your life, you may feel like that is impossible. I was there, and I honestly never thought I would make it to be 30, but I did, and I believe that I was meant for something greater—I believe and know you are too.
You are here for a reason, even if right now you don’t feel like it and the only thing rolling around in that brilliant head of yours is the different ways you want to die or how you would do it.
Please don’t give up, and never be afraid of getting back up.
Please reach out for help.
This was something I was mortified of doing. I felt like I would rather die than go to the hospital, call a suicide hotline, or tell someone the awful thoughts going on in my head.
Please don’t feel discouraged if the first person or professional you tell cannot handle what you are going through. Even though you are already feeling hopeless, reach out and keep reaching out—people care. (I care, and I am praying for you every single day.)
I went through multiple hospital stays, different doctors, and therapists before I felt understood.
One of the reasons I didn’t do it because I knew there was something in me that was bigger. I wanted to make sure nobody else would have to go through what I went through.
I don’t believe anybody needs to feel alone in their suicidal thoughts. If you have attempted, you are still an incredible, beautiful, insatiable human who deserves everything life has to offer you, no matter who you are, where you come from, or what you have done.
You are loved and wanted.
Reason #2: You are worthy and capable.
I always felt so unworthy and had no belief in overcoming this—I was in so much pain, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
It felt like torture. I would lay in my bed or hammock or be buckled on my knees in my bathroom weeping. I am not talking like subtle cries—they were wails. But I am so glad I cried. I am so glad I faced and felt that pain. It took me five years to cry without shame.
Whatever pain you are feeling, I want to ask you: can you be gentle with it? Can you love it? Can you accept and allow it? Can you make space for it and allow yourself to know that your pain is a reminder that you are alive? That your pain is your passage to peace?
Can you, for a second, feel worthy as you are, capable as you are?
Can you be okay with where you are at today?
Can you love your suicidal thoughts? Can you accept that they are part of you at the same time—yet they are not you?
Can you understand that these thoughts are part of the sickness you are navigating, and you have the innate ability to conquer and overcome them?
Can you try looking at yourself in the mirror and shouting that you are worthy and capable?
Do it right now!
How does it feel?
Can you write it down? Can you sit and think about what your worthy, capable self would be doing if it weren’t in the pits of your mental health and plagued by your suicidal thoughts?
I wish I were doing that back then. It may seem silly, but you are planting seeds in the garden that is your life—having positive self-talk will transform you.
Every cell and fibre of your being is listening to what you are saying to yourself. Start paying attention to your thoughts and how you speak to yourself.
I realized I could be so mean to me, and I started asking myself, “Would I ever talk to anybody else like that?”
The answer was a big “f*ck no!” So why would I say those things to myself?
Can you say to yourself, “I am worthy and capable, and I deserve to be here and make a difference?”
My existence is enough. I am enough because, believe me, you are. Even if you don’t believe it right now, I believe it for you. Your existence is necessary.
Reason #3: You are loved and cared for.
I felt like a heavy burden to all those around me, which I now realize were just my mental health symptoms. I didn’t believe I was lovable or that I deserved to be cared for. I felt so alone and lonely.
There was something greater than me out there (call it god, the universe, Buddha, goddess, or whatever), but I could feel it, deep within me.
There were so many nights that I was so close to calling it quits, but there was this dim flicker of my own light calling to me and telling me “no.”
I would imagine my grandmother laying beside me and making me feel loved, drawing on my back and holding me as I wept.
I was receiving so many gifts from the universe that I wasn’t even aware of at times.
This woman once stopped me in the street and told me I was love—a total stranger. Then she told me about her mental health journey, and it was one of those moments that changed me.
She was so in her power and not ashamed of what she had been through that it made me feel like I was okay.
I am here, holding you in love. Please know that, and know that whatever you believe in loves you unconditionally for everything you are and is looking out for you. So hand your burdens over to them and ask them to give you the life you want and you so deserve.
Your god is listening and just waiting to show you the unconditional love that you are.
When I felt suicidal and like I didn’t want to be here, I would think of a memory when I felt loved and what that felt like for me. I was fortunate to have this kind of memory to recall, like being a child, and my grandmother telling me stories and drawing on my back.
Maybe some people have never experienced pure love before. I want to ask you what and how would you like to feel loved. Would it be someone bringing you a cup of coffee in the morning or making you a meal? What does love and being loved mean to you?
Can you think of a memory where you felt that? Can you imagine being held in infinite love and that there are so many people out there who want to help you?
Can you allow yourself to receive this love? Can you just maybe lay your head to rest and try again in the morning?
I could think of a million reasons not to kill myself now, but here are three I feel at this moment called to share.
Every moment is a new opportunity to begin your life again. For me, it is to watch the sunrise, hear the birds, and feel the way the air shifts when spring is coming. To be able to receive a smile from a stranger, a hug from a friend, to be grateful, to realize my life is a miracle and every single second is precious—it was worth all the bullsh*t I went through.
I have even been able to hold those who have hurt me in forgiveness; that is another story for another day.
I hope you find your worth and meaning and know you are not alone in this. I am now living a life beyond my wildest dreams. Is it perfect? F*ck no, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Don’t be afraid to be yourself and heal in a way that is individual to you. Do anything you have to, put yourself first, and know that your life is sacred.
I have tried an eclectic mix of different healing forms to manage my mental health and suicidal thoughts.
These included mantras; meditations; journaling; going into the woods; banging sticks and screaming; hula hooping while listening to Cuban music; calling friends; hiring a life coach; reading endless amounts of self-help books. I also love watching TED Talks and motivational videos.
I find sloth, hedgehog, and goat videos always bring a smile to my lips, especially fainting goats and goats in pyjamas.
I even had a healing session with a Peruvian shaman when he gave me an egg and told me to crack it on the land or in the river, that it held all my sorrow, and I needed to give it back to the land. He chanted around me and put flowers on different areas of my body.
I have consulted energy healers and taken modern medication like antidepressants.
I took a slew of other meds to help manage my mental health, but I am now off of them.
I danced, cried, painted, went into the woods. I let nature soothe me.
I try to do something kind for someone else, which is when I feel the most magic out of life.
Just promise me you will never ever give up on the opportunity that life has given you, that you will get back up and try again, and know that I am cheering for you.
I won’t pretend that it will be easy and you will have to do the work, but it is your life and what you are here to do for humanity is integral.
I love you, and keep on keeping on.