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June 23, 2021

Karens are Awful, but Kyles are Worse—10 Traits of the “Kyle.”

 

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*Editor’s Note: have opinions or thoughts about this article? Join the conversation by commenting (mindfully) below or sharing your own view here.

We all remember last year when Karens seemed to be everywhere. 

They couldn’t breathe properly with a mask on their face, and they wanted to speak to your manager. There was even one in Central Park who tried her best to ruin the life of a Black man who simply wanted her to leash her dog in an area where leashing was required.

So why is it that their male counterparts—”Kyles,” if you will—fly so far under the radar? Is this another case of privilege? Quite possibly.

As a man, I feel it may be my duty to call out this behavior because I am growing somewhat weary of it. 

The following are 10 traits of a typical Kyle to help you spot them out in their natural habitat—supermarkets, dollar stores, and Home Depots:

1. They resent the new Juneteenth legislation.

The other day, I was making a delivery at a warehouse when the forklift driver began a tirade on how unnatural it was “to just invent National Holidays.” This is, of course, because Christmas, Easter, and Labor Day appeared as apparitions the moment the Constitution was drawn up. It has nothing to do with the fact that it celebrates an entity that is not white, Christian, and patriarchal. Either way, “It’s just not fair.”

2. They are still butt-hurt over the election.

Let’s put aside the fact that Kyles still generally believe that the Democrats orchestrated the world’s largest conspiracy to steal a Presidential election and focus on the meme that they are all posting: 

“I can sure go for a mean Tweet and $2 a gallon gas right now.” 

I mean, sure, as a 40-year-old white male, those “mean Tweets” are as benign as the skin tags they have under their arms, but it shows a total lack of empathy. Imagine a day in the life of an Asian-American after some idiot running the country types “CHINA VIRUS” in all caps on a Tweet.

3. McDonald’s? Sure. Vaccine? No way!

Only a Kyle would shovel a quarter-pound cow patty smothered in cheese down his gullet while explaining how much of a sheep you are for getting a vaccination that has “only been approved for emergency use.” Don’t look at him superciliously, though. He’s done the research. And by “research,” he’s talking about a YouTube video made by another Kyle in his split-level ranch in Matthews, North Carolina.

4. The restroom argument.

If you’ve been within earshot of the garden variety Kyle, you’ve undoubtedly heard the argument that there is a distinct possibility that a man may try to pass himself off as a transgender woman to gain access to the lady’s room to watch cisgender women and unsuspecting girls pee.

I don’t want to spend too much time debunking this, but in terms of common sense, there’s got to be an easier way to commit acts of voyeurism than passing yourself off as trans. It’s a bit like diving headfirst into a wishing well at a shopping mall to get 7¢. I mean, no one can prove it hasn’t been done, but probably not…

5. The Gun Argument.

There’s a lot to be said about the gun argument—most of it is laughable. The average Kyle will bore you for hours about the importance of owning an AR-15 in the event of the tyrannical expansion of governmental powers.

Regardless of how you feel about Edward Snowden, you can’t deny the fact that he exposed some fascinating truths. (Not the least of which is that your AR-15 will not protect you in that eventuality.) However, what it will do is provide the unstable with a way to murder dozens of innocent bystanders whenever they feel inspired. And given the fact that this happens at elementary schools much of the time, the argument and its proponents go beyond annoying and right into obnoxious whenever they bring this up.

6. “What’s a Patriarchy?”

There was a time when Tucker Carlson, the patron saint of Kyles everywhere, asked, “What’s a Patriarchy?” Unfortunately, this became a popular sentiment. “I don’t see a Patriarchy. What does a Patriarchy look like?” This is about as biting as a Kyle’s sarcasm can get. I recommend not trying to engage the Kyle when they start spouting off like this. I promise you are only moments away from “All Lives Matter.” At that point, all bets are off.

7. Odd Logic.

The typical Kyle will go on and on about how lazy people are because they opt for a pittance from bolstered unemployment insurance in lieu of the half pittance they’d get paid to work at Walmart—all while leaving their shopping cart loose in the parking lot to the delight of all of the local auto body mechanics in town.

8. “Hey! This Truck Cost Me $3,200!”

If you find yourself walking from the only parking spot you can find, a quarter-mile away from the front door of work because some nimrod parked his F-150 in two parking spots, there’s a really good chance that a Kyle is responsible. And can you blame him? I mean, who likes to get their dents scratched?

9. Freedom of Speech.

A Kyle will generally bore you to tears for what seems like hours to explain to you how Big Tech is taking over the country and has summarily begun to diminish whatever is left of our “freedom of speech.”

All the while, you will find yourself wondering, “If that really is the case, why am I stuck here while you incessantly continue to spout off utter nonsense?” The very fact that they can pollute break rooms and other people’s timelines with their “theories” disproves this altogether. 

Wouldn’t bullsh*t be the first thing to go?

10. Finally: the memes.

Whether it’s something like, “I don’t care about your student loans. You got a degree. You’re smart. Get yourself out of debt.” Or, “Blah blah, Dr. Suess. Nikki Menage.” It always leaves you feeling the same way.

If you find yourself muttering, “Oy vey” as you scroll through Instagram, you are most likely in the vicinity of a Kyle.

That about sums it up. My hope is that you find this field guide informative and useful.

If you can add anything to the list, feel free to do so in the comments below.

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