5.4
July 19, 2021

Sexuality Doesn’t Live in a Vacuum: The Importance of Having a Relationship with our Genitals.

 

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Much of my work is with sexuality.

The relationship we have with our sexuality is, of course, a large part of this. This relationship forms the framework of the journey. It gives it a context, a place to live in.

And more and more, I see the importance of this context.

Our sexuality doesn’t live in a vacuum, as many of us express it that way. Our sexuality is not in a little box that we bring out in very specific circumstances, and use, then put away again.

Our genitals are not separate for the rest of who we are: body, mind, heart, and energy. Everything is connected, entwined, dancing (or not), talking (or not), listening (or not), with each other.

More and more, I see how our lives are about patterns and connections, the relationships we have with ourselves, our bodies, our hearts, our minds.

It’s been said that healing is about connection. Connecting with the parts of ourselves we have been disconnected from, through stress and trauma, through judgment, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and more.

This separation and disconnect is part of a bigger picture—it’s about the separation from life. From nature, from the world, from others, from love.

And much of the journey is that of connection—where we are in ourselves, where we are with one another, a lover, people, the world, the cosmos, spirit.

From a sexual perspective, the relationship many of us have with our genitals is, at best, functional.

I say at best because this relationship is often one of disconnect and judgment.

It often begins in childhood when we’re told, “don’t touch,” when we’re chastised for touching. It begins to separate us, to make our genitals “bad” things.

Then we have words for our genitals that are often not the same words as the rest of the body.

My nose is always my nose.

My genitals are not; they’re something else, called something else.

There is often embarrassment about the “proper” words to use.

The disconnect deepens.

Then we get little education on pleasure. We get some biology, and we learn how not to get pregnant, how not to get someone else pregnant, how not to get STIs.

Not much about pleasure.

Pleasure is the guilt, the hidden. The stuff we don’t talk about, the stuff that happens in the dark, the stuff we don’t acknowledge.

The disconnect deepens.

Then the media, in all its expressions, from porn to the beauty industry, to Hollywood, Bollywood, chick flicks—they all give us illusion and fantasy about the way our bodies should look, feel, taste, smell, and behave.

Our genitals are a huge part of this, where there is so much judgment, comparison, and secrets.

The disconnect deepens.

With all that and more, the relationship we have with our genitals is, at best, functional. This means we’re concerned that everything simply works.

But for many of us it’s a relationship that is filled with guilt, shame, disconnect, judgment, fear, contraction, tension, and often, pain.

A big part of the healing journey and the journey back to ourselves is this relationship. And it’s important to note that it’s not just about our genitals. It’s about our whole body, it’s about our hearts, it’s about our skin, it’s about our senses.

It’s a journey of acceptance of who we are and of how we are.

It’s a surrender to ourselves.

From acceptance comes connection, liking ourselves, loving ourselves. That might take some time.

Be kind with yourself.

Be patient with yourself.

Have compassion for yourself.

As we begin to change this relationship, we bring our genitals into our body, into our skin, into our hearts, into our energy. We make connections, we find a place for ourselves that’s more whole, that has more of us, more of who we are.

We begin to connect our sex to our hearts, to our throats. We find our voice, the voice of our pleasure.

Relationship is about context, about where we fit, about how our sexuality fits inside of us. There’s a natural flow from this, which expands into the way we express our sexuality, our sensuality, and our pleasure.

It’s about who we are as sexual beings, and bringing that into our lives, with joy, with celebration, with awareness.

We bring our sexuality home.

At home, there are no strangers. No strangers in our bodies or our hearts.

I know you.

You excite me.

I’m curious about you, interested, fascinated.

I desire you.

And I feel your desire for me.

We become one with our delicious, beautiful, limitless pleasure—and all the possibilities it holds.

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