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May 30, 2021

Disempowered Doormats: Stop Making Excuses for Sh*tty People.

*Warning: adult language ahead!

 

My dad had a crass saying—well, he had a few—but he would often say, sometimes with a cheeky smirk, “Excuses are like assholes, we’ve all got one.”

It’s interesting how when we are young, even though we lack the understanding, there are things that stick with us our whole lives, and then one day, it clicks.

I am sure he meant this in the sense of individuality, that we all love to make excuses for ourselves. “I can’t because…” is the mantra, and we often believe it. But excuses have been on my mind the last few weeks—excuses I have so freely made for the connections in my life.

“This human is struggling; I can’t be angry about their shitty behaviour because I know people can only meet me as deeply as they have met themselves.”

It is both a gift and a curse to delve into the intricacies of human nature and spend your time understanding the psyche and its dictation of certain behaviour—but I have reached an “abso-fucking-lutely not” mindset.

Understanding is a powerful ally: it can ease our suffering, and it can soften a blow, but it cannot excuse shitty behaviour.

I’ve spent the last few weeks aghast at the behaviors of some of the people I have welcomed into my weird, little world.

I’ve sat wide-eyed and mouth agape at how core values of honesty, respect, decency, and kindness have all be thrown to the wind without a second thought to the consequences of how it affects the people around them.

It’s left me embittered and enraged; it’s left me reeling and sore; it’s left me questioning my hope for humanity.

And it’s left me a disempowered doormat, making excuse after excuse for the shitty things people do.

I’ve always been an advocate for kindness and how it transforms communication, how it is used to enforce a boundary, and how it creates a ripple effect—kindness breeds kindness—but fuck me, honestly.

I’ve begun to believe that my “love and light” mentality is somewhat fucking naïve. That there are some people who are beyond the realms of selfish, bordering narcissistic, and what they deserve is a good old-fashioned wake-up call with some heavy words of truth.

And whether or not they can handle it, it is their business.

I’ve wrestled with if this makes me a shitty human, if calling someone out on their perpetual bullshit is unkind, and I have come to the resounding conclusion that it is most certainly not.

In fact, I welcome anyone who wants to call me out on some of my own shitty behaviour. Bring it! I’m open to listening, and I’m open to changing if the situation requires it.

I am open to making amends if I have done wrong, or if I hurt another person because of careless action. We are all fucking flawed, and I get it.

But I’ve come to see that sometimes we need to deliver a message with the intensity of a forest fire and watch the connection burn—and be better for it.

I have questioned my belief in forgiveness and come to understand that the only real forgiveness we can ever offer is to ourselves, and to those who change their behaviour. To those who are conscious of their shortcomings and flaws—the ones who are actively working on them as you do the same.

I will no longer remain silent and give my power away to excuses for humans who should know better.

As I hold myself to a higher standard, I promise myself to hold others accountable and to stop the endless berating of not being a “kind or understanding” person when someone is clearly a taker and has no limits on what they will do to get what they want.

As society changes, as norms change, as narratives change, I will remain steadfast in one decision: you might want to leave my space if you’re a shitty human committed to remaining stagnant.

~

 

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