August 26, 2021

15 ways the Patriarchy Hurts Men Too.

In my quest to bring rise to the detriments of the patriarchy, to share remedies for women undoing the trauma, and to elevate the divine feminine in all of our lost aspects, I have always been up against the resistant and angry responses from men.

The men who mistake this work to build a better world for what they think is toxic, extreme feminism. The men who think that the patriarchy means devaluing and hating men, fathers, and sons. The men who think that honoring women’s stories and truths somehow also means talking down men. The men who literally throw hate, shame, and blame every time I express a piece of myself that has risen up in redemption and wholeness from my own patriarchal abuse.

The men who are deeply hurt because the patriarchy is hurting them too.

There are men who are in deep denial of their own pain and traumas, and therefore, they would abstain from any real acknowledgment, dialogue, or sincere recognition. They would relentlessly fight to the grave to protect the patriarchy that they think is helping them. These are men who couldn’t possibly believe that it is somehow detrimental to them and refuse to face it.

These are the spaces where I know that my work will not be received.

I can pray for these men. From afar.

There are men who rage and rage until it basically burns out within themselves, and they see the layer of pain just beneath the surface. They open up. They get vulnerable for a moment, raw in their expression. They see that they are hurting. These are the men who are subconsciously impacted by the patriarchy and will be able to see it—but not on their own accord. As they open up, without labels and constructs, they pave the path ahead to heal themselves.

I have faith in these men.

And then there are the men who are paying attention for real, doing their research, looking at the world around them, acknowledging what the patriarchy truly is (hint: it is not hatred toward men), undoing all of the indoctrinated programming within, and actively making behavioral changes in themselves to build a world that is not founded on these structures. They see what is happening to their sisters.

Those are my teammates. Hand in hand.

And whether we are consciously doing the work or not, it is inevitable that the patriarchy is burdensome toward men, and here’s why:

1. The patriarchy tells men not to know emotion, and therefore, themselves.

Men are taught as young boys to hide their emotions.

“Stop crying. Pull up the bootstraps,” parents say.

They are taught that any act of emotion is a sign of weakness, when in truth, it’s a sign of wisdom. Emotion is your body’s way of saying, “Yes, more of this,” or “No, something is off here, I don’t feel safe with this.”

When we tell men to not feel, we are telling them to turn off their internal guidance system and inner authority. It removes them from their inner intimacy and self-awareness too.

2. The patriarchy tells men that they are unworthy.

Teaching men to suppress their emotions inherently destroys their internal dialogue toward themselves. Not only do they swallow down their intimate thoughts, unpopular beliefs, imaginative ideas, their soft side, pain, and trauma out of fear of being an outcast—but in that process, they form a core belief that “This doesn’t matter. Therefore, I do not matter.”

From there, their self-talk and self-image begin to dwindle down dramatically.

3. The patriarchy discourages safe spaces for men.

Because the basis of the patriarchy involves men being the protectors and leaders, it gives root to the belief that men don’t need safe spaces themselves. It essentially says, “Your pain, your traumas, your thoughts, your safety to be seen, heard, acknowledged, and witnessed isn’t important, and it might not even be real.”

4. The patriarchy gaslights men.

Teaching men that the emotional aspect of their lives is not conducive directly takes away an inherent truth for them. It is gaslighting at its finest.

“That doesn’t hurt. C’mon, get up. Put your big boy boots on. You’re fine.”

These are the lies he believes when, somehow, his body, soma, and heart are trying to prompt him to see another side, but he can’t because the world tells him not to even go there.

5. The patriarchy further inflicts generational trauma on men.

Growing up into the belief that men can only be breadwinners, providers, and warriors while neglecting their ability to be with emotion, softness, and all yin qualities instills an inherent belief that they must always be winning. They must always be successful, and achievement only comes in this form.

What is actually happening is that they are following a carrot hanging from a string, and they are endlessly trying to meet high and false expectations. In this, they are constantly narrowed by restricting mindsets and never truly able to get out of this cycle.

6. The patriarchy builds workaholics and alcoholics.

In chasing the carrot around on a string, a man’s perpetual and rather traumatic pattern of overworking to continue attaining some level of achievement, completely pulls him away from all other areas of his life.

To the point where he thinks he’s working to be productive and to provide, but in reality, he is avoiding his other responsibilities and duties.

After all, it’s what he was taught! In a similar way, he represses his emotions by hiding it all away with each drink of poisonHe believes he’s having a drink to unwind, but in reality, he’s coping with the lingering pieces of himself that he is afraid to expose.

7. The patriarchy restricts men from receiving their pleasure and authenticity.

In the pursuit of being financially, educationally, and generally successful in the world, his vision is constantly focused on being a leader. This archetype is drilled so hard within the psyches of men to the point that they literally think that their inherent nature is to be dominant, controlling, and productive.

In this, they never allow themselves to actually be submissive for a moment, to be wildly out of control, and to receive. As long as they are engaged in the false and limited idea that masculinity looks one way, they are restricted from seeing the gradient that truly exists. They become unavailable for voicing their needs in life, in work, at home, and in bed.

They become unable to receive their own pleasure and their own authentic self.

8. The patriarchy teaches men to disengage with their core values.

In their “carrot chasing,” false self-building, and pleasurable authenticity denouncing, men lose sight of what is important. The patriarchy builds the false ideas and expectations that not only perpetuate further trauma and remove men from their own lives, but it inflicts men to become completely disconnected to what truly matters too.

Value is intrinsically connected to the emotional attachment we put on what is important to us. And well, since he can’t do that, how will he ever know what he cares deeply about?

9. The patriarchy builds emotionally unavailable partners and fathers.

Need I even say more? I mean, if they aren’t allowed to show up for their own emotions, authenticity, pleasures, values, internal dialogues, guidance, promptings, and truths, how would we expect them to even know how to show up in partnership and parenthood?

The patriarchy pushes them so far away from what is tangible and made of sustenance. It’s really no wonder that emotional and physical unavailability is rampant in men who are fathers and/or partners.

10. The patriarchy tells men to play it small.

Teaching men not to feel their emotions makes them susceptible to the worldly pursuits and less aligned with their spiritual compass. In feeling like he isn’t allowed to catalyze and formulate an emotional response to the world around him, the man is slowly building the belief that the world we live in is perfectly fine.

We are teaching him that there is no need for change, growth, inspiration, and revolution. This is incredibly detrimental in childhood, when a boy is developing an active imagination for the world and is unable to keep it within reach. In that sense, we are teaching him to comply and tolerate a system that keeps him small yet buffs his ego.

11. The patriarchy tells men to be entitled and, therefore, violent.

I think this one speaks for itself as well. In all of that masculine pride and production building and not truly being allowed to know himself intimately, is it a wonder that he might be an entitled a**hole?

The more he buffs himself up externally, in the world, and in his body instead of his mind, emotions, hara, and heart, the more he is likely to spiral out in anger.

When he can’t truly see himself, nobody can see him either (despite how big his muscles are). As such, he acts out with rage. He hurts others around him to get his point across—probably to serve as an outlet for his lifelong internalized pain.

12. The patriarchy builds mentally unstable men.

I know you don’t need further explanation here.

13. The patriarchy destroys men’s health on all levels.

Almost all of our health is directly related to our emotions. Our physical body is a direct reflection of what is happening with us on an energetic level.

With all of the emotional suppression, half-heartedly—or a quarter-heartedly—showing up for themselves and their world, denying their pain, and pain-masking that men are encouraged to do, there are inevitable risk factors for their health at large.

If they are told to deny their emotional pain, will they ever seek help for their physical pain? If they keep masking their emotional pain with substances, won’t they mask their physical pain too? Not only does the patriarchy inflict health dangers, but it further perpetuates keeping the health risks alive.

14. The patriarchy builds homophobic men.

Men are not inherently homophobic, just like they are not inherently closed off, unimaginative, or unworthy. That’s just the patriarchy as we know it.

When we tell men that it is insulting, unattractive, or wrong to display any act of emotion or any yin quality in general, they begin to believe the same about their fellow brothers who do have safe spaces, bravery, authenticity, and right to display those characteristics. There becomes a barrier between one another, and that gap becomes even more accentuated when face-to-face with a gay man.

15. The patriarchy destroys true brotherhood.

How can they show up for our comrades and partners in crime if they can’t even show up for themselves? The majority of men I know today spend time with their brothers (blood or not) drinking, smoking, or escaping. Many men want to relate to others more deeply and fully, but they lack the capacity to create that level of platonic relationship or even just simple acknowledgement for one another’s needs beyond the surface.

So in the heart of my work, when I see so many men angry with me, I ultimately see men who are in pain. I ultimately see men whose voices, needs, nurturance, creative side, and receptive side need to be opened up and regulated.

Dear men, when you feel the urge to push back, just know that I am fighting for your rights too. I am fighting for all of the areas in you that have been suppressed, oppressed, mocked, blamed, and demonized. I am fighting for all of the resources you need: safe spaces, therapy, motherly nurturing, and real brother circles that can enrich your life again and give you supple life force in your passions, your career, your family, your relationships, your spiritual essence and in creation at large.

My healing is not synonymous to perpetuating your trauma.

I want your healing too.

So, implore you, if you are courageous, if you are a true leader, if you are truly powerful, take my hand.

Let’s undo this disaster together.

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